#I always got in trouble for trying to explore instead of going to pee because that shit ruled

[s17s17]

My old elementary building. I didn't remember anything about the outside of the building, aside from it was really pink. The inside is actually burnt into my mind, for whatever reason. The basement was dope.

[harrison-abbott]

Paula and the Pool

I was with my kid sister in the swimming pool out the back of the hotel. It was thirty degrees. I splashed my sister with the water and she kept giggling so I kept doing it. Her name was Paula. She was about half the size of me. And hadn’t quite learned to swim yet. This was late in the afternoon and the other holidaymakers around the hotel had gone off into town to do other things. I needed a pee, so I got out of the pool to go back to the hotel room. Then I looked down at Paula. She was standing looking up at me with her face just above the water, at the shallow end. I said to her, “Paula, just stay at this end, okay? Don’t go over to the deep end. Right?” She laughed at me. And I blushed. I think because I’d never tried to be authoritative with her before. I smiled, and left.

And I went up through the airy hotel to my room. Our room – mine and Paula’s. Mum and Dad had their room next to mine but they weren’t in it; they were out exploring in the city as well. I peed. And then something distracted me in the room. I still can’t remember what it was. Maybe it was that I wanted some of the food out of the fridge and I ate a snack or something. But I often wonder that if I’d not delayed and stayed in the room for five minutes then things might’ve been different.

After that I went back down stairs and I came out into the atrium of the pool. Came out into the sun again. And, do you know when you’re in a sunny place for ages and the sheer light makes your vision blue when you go indoors: and then when you go back outdoors your eyes re-attach to the blazing light? It was like that.

And I looked around and Paula wasn’t in the pool.

That’s what I thought at first. I looked around the deckchairs and she wasn’t on any of them. So I edged around the perimeter of the shallow end – I thought maybe she had gone back to the canteen, which was on the other side of the pool.

When I got to the far side I noticed this dark shape under the water … at the deep end.

I pulled her body out of the water and got her on to the side of the pool. And I shoved my fingers down her throat to try and make her puke up. But her face was stony and wouldn’t move; her eyes weren’t moving. I was crying, and then I started to yell “HELP! HELP!” And eventually this woman who worked in the canteen swung around the corner and she yelled “Eeeeeiiiiii!” when she saw what was happening and then she vanished. I thought she had run away for good: but she reappeared a minute later with her other colleagues. … None of them could speak English too well. They spoke in their own tongues and I kept yammering at them in English – all of us stooped over Paula’s body – and they couldn’t respond to what I was saying.

Then one of them took his phone out and called the ambulance. I knew it was the ambulance because he said “Ambulance,” to me. At that point I thought that Paula might wake up and that she would be okay.

The hotel manager was alerted and he came over to the scene with a grave expression. And he and the chap that had called the ambulance helped lift Paula out of the atrium and they carried her out to the front of the building to wait for the vehicle to take her away.

I remember being embarrassed because I was crying too much in front of other people – a thing I didn’t normally do.

My mother and father still knew nothing about what had happened. They wouldn’t know for another ten minutes. I was afraid to call my mother so I called father instead. … When I called him there was a merry festive sound in the background, jangly music. “Paula’s in trouble, Dad,” I said, over and over. He found it hard to hear me.

I think my mother always preferred Paula to me. That was part of the reason why I called Dad that day instead of her because I figured she would think it was my fault.

When I was in my late teens I moved out of home. Mother hated me and it was too difficult to live with her.

I’ve been to grief counsellors and I’ve read books about how to try and cope with shame. And for a while I was on medication. The drugs were no use. I do drink way too much alcohol and that helps sometimes. When I go to a new job and meet new people I can never tell them about what happened with Paula.

Every day since it happened I’ve thought that I should have taken Paula up stairs with me when I went to pee. She was far too young to be in the pool by herself. But then I remembered when she laughed at me when I tried to be stern with her … so maybe that made me think she was confident with being there alone. Or, I will wish that somebody else had been in the pool area and would have been there to help. One of the worst bits is not knowing exactly what happened. I imagine that she might have tried to swim to the deep end: to play a trick on me and disobey me because I’d told her not to do that. So perhaps she was wanting to show me that she could swim to the deep end – and she tried that – but got into trouble along the way; she swallowed the water and her limbs were too thin and she went under and swallowed more water … Oh. I’ve been over these thoughts so many times. It was my fault and I deserve to feel ashamed. Boo hoo if I drink to much. Or that my mother no longer speaks to me. I shouldn’t have left her there alone in the pool.

I still remember her upper bar of white teeth when I splashed water on her in the pool. And how I didn’t appreciate her so much when she was still alive.

[straydawg-writing]

𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞'𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦.

- 𝓚. 𝙯𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙮𝙘𝙠

• hunter x hunter series

⋯✰⋯

Chapter 2–

You knew that if anyone outside of this car saw you right now, you might just pass away. To put it simply: You were sitting on Killua's lap.

All because Kite's truck only fit seven people.

The way this predicament came about would have been comical if it weren't for your burning embarrassment. Unfortunately, you could remember very clearly how it all unfolded:

"Hmm, it seems that there aren't enough seats for all eight of us, so one person will have to squish in," Kite said, opening the car door to check the seats.

"Who's the smallest one here?" Gon asked. All seven pairs of eyes turned to look at you.

Great. The benefits of never having had your growth spurt.

Killua was the one to open his mouth, snickering, "Obviously it's Y/N. She's like a midget!"

"Killua, you are literally an entire 2 ½ feet shorter than Kite over there," you defended yourself.

From a distance, you had guessed Kite was around 6'3. Once you got a closer look at him, you discovered that he towered over you like a skyscraper. Your curiosity got the best of you and naturally, you had asked him what his height was. The man was a whopping 7 foot 10.

"It's okay Y/N, you can squish with me," Gon offered.

Killua shook his head. "No way. Squishing will just make everyone uncomfortable. It's better if only one person suffers. Y/N, you can sit on my lap."

He had left no room for argument. Sighing, you knew that even if you tried, you had no say in this anymore. You would just have to suck it up for the next 4 hours.

Now you were here, sitting on him, worrying about whether you were cutting the circulation off to his legs or not. Or perhaps you were too bony and it was hurting him.

You could feel his warm breath on your neck, and it sent goosebumps across your entire body. This was beyond awkward.

"Stop it," Killua muttered, right in your ear.

Oh, you'd done it now, hadn't you? Killua was gonna push you off onto Gon instead.

"Stop what?"

"You're so stiff, just...relax," he paused, "I don't mind sitting this way."

Hearing his voice so close to you sent butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

Maybe this was okay.

You untensed, trying to adjust yourself to a more comfortable position, but the bumpy car ride wasn't making it very easy. Kite ran over a rock, and without a seatbelt it sent you jerking upwards. Thanks to his fast reflexes, Killua gripped your waist, holding you tightly to his body.

"The seatbelt won't reach over the both of us, but this'll keep you from flying."

"Heh, thanks Killua. I think we should reach the beach in a bit..." you said, hoping that the thought of it being over soon might offer him some relief.

It doesn't matter who it is, being this close to someone could send anyone into a frenzy. You were hyper-aware of every one of his fingers grasping onto your waist. He wasn't lying. He was keeping you right there.

You'd just have to stop thinking about it, you told yourself. Or else you'd go crazy.

Trying to relax back into Killua like he had asked, you let your mind wander to the reason you were driving in the first place. The day before, the three of you had decided to stick with Kite and help him investigate the Chimera ants. The beach you were headed to now is supposed to have a clue about where the ant queen is located, so you could bring an end to the destruction before it starts. During the car ride, you had learned they were a truly deadly species. One bite of an innocent passerby, and they had the means to bring the entire human race to extinction.

You felt like something was starting. And your intuition was rarely wrong.

Gazing at Gon who had been talking with Kite for a while now, you noticed how his eyes crinkle into little smiles whenever he talks. You knew that having Kite around, his father's best friend, surely excited him to the bone. Gon was just oozing with optimism, without even trying. You could tell that just by being himself, he was keeping the spirits up of all eight in the group, not allowing any room for doubt or fear to creep into anyone's minds.

At that moment, you swore that whatever happened, you would be there to protect Gon and Killua. Even if it costs you everything.

Hopefully, this wasn't one of your friends' last few moments of tranquility. But if it was, you were determined to spend it well.

Resting your head against Killua, you hoped that he wouldn't mind if you indulged in this for just a moment. You were tired, having not gotten much rest since completing Greed Island and meeting Kite.

It didn't take much time for you to fall asleep to the rise and fall of Killua's steady breathing and his sweet vanilla scent. If you'd been awake, you might have even heard his heartbeat racing beneath you.

⋯✰⋯

You had finally reached the beach.

Killua had nudged you awake once you'd gotten there. You remembered how his blue eyes stared back at you as he poked your face, calling you an idiot for falling asleep, and you chuckled.

There was one thing you were clueless about; Killua had made sure not to move even once the whole rest of the car ride. He was nervous that he might disturb your peacefully sleeping form.

You were still pretty groggy as you looked out at the sea, the bright sun reflecting on the ocean's surface. You wanted to wiggle your toes in the sand, but you were there for a reason. To find anything that might lead to the Queen.

You searched in bushes, behind rocks, under seashells, and even used your nen to sift through as much sand as you could. So far, the group had ruled out the forest and deemed it difficult to know if the ant even ended up on the same island. That's when they decided to release the hellhound. Well- it wasn't a hellhound. It was the little dog you played with yesterday. Along with Gon.

Gon was following behind the dog on all floors, sniffing the ground as he went.

"He can do that?" You asked no one in particular.

"His nose is as sharp as a dog's," Killua responded, watching Gon with an amused look in his eye.

A couple minutes went by with no luck. The only thing the dog had found was a tree to pee on. It looked like the ant wasn't going to be on this island, though Kite had an idea.

"It may have washed ashore somewhere else. Which direction do the currents flow here?" Kite asked the two that had brought us down to the beach. One was short with brown skin and grey hair that sprouted up like hay, while the other had large glasses and two front teeth poking out from his mouth.

"The direction is reversed between day and night. And it also changes with the seasons. I've even heard it's different on certain days. So it'll be tough to pinpoint a location..." said Chipmunk Teeth. That's what you'd call him, since you hadn't gotten his name.

So basically, no one had any idea on how to find the Chimera Ant Queen.

"Continuing to search blindly is pointless. We should return to YorkNew and see if we can find any new leads there."

You heard the group around you agreeing with Kite. He and his friends began walking back to the truck already, but you stayed put. You would catch up to them later.

The ocean reminded you of your home. You thought you should say goodbye to it first.

Ripples of water lapped gently at your feet. You always had a connection with nature. Having lived in a small village located in the middle of a jungle most of your life, the earth had become your dearest friend. One of your earliest memories was from exploring the coves back at home. You stretched out your arm across the water, and watched the liquid softly rise to your hand as you called it.

That's why you chose this nen ability. It tied you to the elements. When you fought with it, together you were one body.

"Y/N, come on! Kite's threatening to leave without you," Gon waved you over. Taking one last look at the sea, you turned away.

The sun was already setting by the time you left for the city.

⋯✰⋯

Going back to YorkNew was the right decision. Now you all knew where to look.

Kite had discovered that the possibilities of the Chimera Ant landing in NGL were the highest. Apparently, NGL was a country populated with people who wanted to get away from machine civilization and live in nature.

You loved nature too, but you thought that was a little extreme. There was a reason you had to leave your beloved jungle behind.

"There may very well be a giant swarm of Chimera Ants already hunting humans down. If that's the case, my top priority will be saving them. You must be able to protect yourselves," Kite warned us.

"And if I am the one in trouble, you should escape without me."

At that, Gon and Killua looked unsettled. But backing down now was not an option.

"Got it," you said, breaking the silence and offering a kind nod to Kite, "and until the very last moment, the three of us will have your back."

"Yeah!" The other two boys concurred.

Now, you sat with Gon and Killua on an airship to NGL. The three of you were sitting on a bench, looking out of a window that framed velvet-peach clouds displaying brilliant silver linings.

Gon was reflecting on their last conversation with Kite.

"You said that Ging had a reason for bringing me and Kite together," he rested his arms and head on the window-frame.

Killua broke his sight from the clouds and looked at Gon.

"Yeah, I did."

"You're probably right. I don't know the reason, but I can't give up halfway, no matter what's going on. Otherwise, I'll disappoint Ging... And I'd never be able to forgive myself either. So I won't run away," Gon continued, resolved with his decision.

There was a moment of silence as the three of you let his words sink in.

You admired Gon's determination, but you hated that Ging had a son risking his life just to avoid disappointing a dad he's never met.

"Man, you had this totally serious expression, so I was expecting something big. But it's just business as usual," Killua smiled.

"Huh?" Gon's mouth hung open. "I thought about this a lot, I even ran a bunch of mental simulations! And I liked what Y/N said earlier, about having Kite's back until the very end."

"Think all you want, but you'll still be Gon. If someone said to abandon them, you'd never do it," You lightly punched his shoulder.

He pouted, cradling where you hit him, and you rolled your eyes.

"Drama queen."

Gon chose to ignore that and turned back to Killua. "Then what would you do?'"

"I'm a spontaneous guy, so I'd think about it once the time comes."

"So, you'd run away?" Gon questioned.

"Depends. I can't say until it actually happens."

"Say for instance..."

Killua threw his hands up, beat, "I can't tell you what I'd do in a hypothetical situation!"

"Then, what about you Y/N?"

"Gon!" You whined.

Truth be told, you hadn't thought about what you would do. It depended like Killua said. But you did know one thing...

"I would never leave you two behind. Even if that meant I'd have to die."

⋯✰⋯

[guqin-and-flute]

3zun are having "quality adult time" when they're interrupted by small child who just had a nightmare.

(Pff love it. There are no actual ‘quality adult time’s in this fic, just frustrated parents being interrupted making out 😂 Bonus little post-canon And A-Fu Makes 4 3zun at the end!)

If there was one thing that could be lamented in all of Nie Mingjue’s parenting experience, it was bedtime. Patience was not a thing that he was known for and there was something about the whole bedtime process that just made him want to pull his hair out. One would think that living at least half of his time with a clan that prided itself in such a strict sleep schedule would rub off on the boy but no. No.

Every night, it was either sudden selective deafness or running around like a hyperactive little squirrel attempting to rile himself up or ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I’m thirsty’ or ‘I need to pee’ as soon as the time came. ‘I’m lonely,’ he would insist. ‘I want to know where trees come from all of a sudden.’ Once, it was even a straightforward ‘You are all going to have fun out there without me and I don’t think that should be allowed.’ That last one was accompanied by a very Xichen-like reasonable eyebrow raise but a haughty sort of finality in pursed lips. Nie Mingjue was torn between laughing and grinding his teeth. “We will be doing boring adult things, child. You need to sleep.”

“What sort of things?” he demanded back.

“Budgeting,” Nie Mingjue responded, dryly, folding his arms.

Sometimes, it would actually be something of the sort--Clan business and whatnot. And sometimes it was some nice, relaxing, patiently-awaited intimacy. Since they knew their son very well, nothing all that interesting would be attempted in the first 2 hours after putting him to bed--with good reason, for he tended to pop up at the most inopportune times to announce that he wasn’t actually that tired and so this was a perfect time to tell a story, I think. “No, little one,” Lan Xichen would remind him with a patient smile as he walked him back to his room. “This is the perfect time to sleep. Goodnight.”

That child could shoot little daggers with his eyes and it was a struggle not to laugh and rankle his 5 year old pride at the injustice of it all. Nie Mingjue wondered who he had gotten that look from. 

He would usually let Lan Xichen handle it, or Jin Guangyao if he happened to be around, because by the gods they seemed to have the most infinite well of patience when it came to small child chicanery. Nie Mingjue, on the other hand, had long had to deal with Huaisang’s mischievous schemes and world-class ability to whine. His patience for such things was a finite resource he had mined dry very early in childhood. Oh, he loved his brother--but he did not love it when he got in trouble as the oldest for Husaisang deciding to sneak out of his room repeatedly (as if Nie Mingjue was supposed to have foreseen and stopped this!) or wail at his door in the middle of the night because he was, of all things, bored. It was night time--you sleep at night. 

Or other things.

But that, of course, was in an ideal world, where partners lived together and children stayed in their rooms when they were told to. Generally, they didn’t like to assign a night babysitter to A-Fu when they visited each other--they saw him so little as it was and Nie Mingjue would feel too guilty leaving his responsibilities as a father to a relative stranger. He didn’t generally discuss these things with Jin Guangyao, but he knew him well enough to know that he felt the same way. And to know that such interruptions happened between Lan Xichen and him, as well. There had been many a morning when he had come to one of their room’s to greet the pair of them to find a bleary eyed, borderline crabby Jin Guangyao curled around a sprawled out A-Fu as Lan Xichen meditated nearby with a small smile.

“Late night interloper?” he had asked, once--knowingly--when this had happened during a joint visit to Koi Tower.

Jin Guangyao had scrunched up his face and shoved his head under the plush pillow as Lan Xichen had risen, still smiling, to tuck his nose under Nie Mingjue’s jaw and murmur, “There was a cricket in his room. Apparently, this was unacceptable. As was the walk to your room.”

“Long night?”

“He kicks. So much,” came Jin Guangyao’s pillow-muffled voice.

Nie Mingjue had snorted with only a little smugness.

And yet he could still muster a bit of sympathy, even for him, because he knew how it felt to just want a moment with Xichen and all the nice, long, shapely bits of him. 

Like right now. Because night time was supposed to be for ‘quality adult time’ and he would absolutely love to get to actually spend it with his lover during one of the first times he had seen him in 3 months. It had been a long day of playing in the Unclean Realm and snuggling with, and in general enjoying the presence of their beautiful, sweet, rambunctious son. 

But now it was night. And they had put said wonderful son to bed at least 2 and a half hours ago and he was setting about leaving some very nice and artistic marks on the junction of Lan Xichen’s shoulder and neck when the door to his quarters squeaked and he could practically feel his pulse throbbing in his temples. All of that lovely anticipation just up and fell into annoyance as gracelessly as a tree crashing over. At least they were both clothed but really. He bit back a growled curse as Lan Xichen slithered back away from him with a slightly aggrieved grimace, tugging his lapels back into place. “A-Fu, it is time--” Nie Mingjue began to grit out, sitting up and preparing to pick his son up and put him in Huaisang’s room and see how he liked whining then---but stopped. 

A-Fu’s eyes were huge, his crumpled face wet with tears as he hiccuped silently. Quiet crying was always real. “Oh, A-Fu. Come here,” Nie Mingjue immediately dropped his voice down low and quiet and held out his arms as Xichen sat up behind him, his night robes collar already tucked back into proper order. 

The boy darted to the bed and threw himself into his arms, practically knocking the wind out of him. “Nightmare?” Nie Mingjue asked gently into his sleep sweaty scalp and felt him nod frenetically.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lan Xichen murmured, smoothing what he could reach of A-Fu’s hair around Mingjue’s enveloping embrace. A-Fu shook his head just as violently.

Well, there was nothing for it. Nightmares beat fun every time, no question. “Do you want to stay with us for a while?” 

He gave the tiniest, wobbliest, “Mm-hmm,” and sniffed loudly. They tucked him in between them, snuggled into Nie Mingjue’s chest with Lan Xichen’s arm over the both of them. After they had all settled, Lan Xichen began to hum, quietly, into the moon soaked darkness. Nie Mingjue might not have an ear for music, but he did recognize the habitual soothing that spread through his muscles, his veins and washed over him like warm, sweet water. The Song of Clarity. Almost instantly, he felt A-Fu go completely limp, dropping back into sleep with impressive speed. (If only it were always so.)

Lan Xichen kept humming, combing his fingers slowly through Nie Mingjue’s loose hair, smiling gently at him through the dimness, his eyes black and bright. Leaning forward, Mingjue pressed a chaste kiss to his chin and closed his eyes to listen, letting the vibrations buzz through his lips and the peace of the moment seep through him. This was also quality time.

-BONUS 3ZUN-

It was still new, the three of them together, learning what had changed and what had not after all these years, but Nie Mingjue was more than willing to put the work in to figure it out. Unfortunately, it was months before any of them had a few weeks free for travel that didn't involve politicking and could instead just be a relaxing exploration, an integration of a relearned relationship dynamic. 

And ever the strategist, ever the impeccable planner, Jin Guangyao had scheduled a specific night, set up a sleepover with Jin Ling for A-Fu over with Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, and had prepared everything at Koi Tower. And it had begun oh so well with plenty of enthusiasm and excitement--that is, until the familiar, distant, ever-approaching siren wail that was their child reached them even through the wall not even 5 minutes in. They froze.

“Maybe it’s not him,” A-Yao muttered against Nie Mingjue’s mouth, not moving a muscle.

“Oh, it is,” Xichen sighed with more affection than exasperation as the sound grew even closer and regretfully peeled himself away from A-Yao’s neck, making the man growl in annoyance.

Usually, this was when the irritation might set in for Nie Mingjue as well, but seeing the break from A-Yao’s usual cool collection was actually quite amusing. With a groan, he let his head fall down onto Nie Mingjue’s shoulder with a thump, hands still fastened in Nie Mingjue’s hair as Lan Xichen swiftly slid on one, two, three layers, fastened them deftly and slipped out of the room. “Oh?” Nie Mingjue questioned the growl indulgently and grinned as his head came back up, eyes burning as his mouth locked into a wide, very fake smile.

“I love that boy,” A-Yao said deliberately, through his teeth.

“You do,” Nie Mingjue affirmed, at least trying to hold in his chuckle for courtesy’s sake. “We know.”

“I love that boy,” he repeated, tightening his fingers and shaking Nie Mingjue’s head a little, as if for emphasis, eyes growing wider still. 

Mingjue couldn’t help it; he laughed, even as he tried to placate him. “A-Yao, we have time, we can wait.”

“You would think,” A-Yao agreed fiercely, not-smile not wavering. “But considering the effort it took to get us all into bed together, I would really rather not have to.”

Though he leaned down and nuzzled into the soft hollow beneath his ear, he kept grinning against his neck. “Who knows, maybe he can calm him enough to send him back.”

“When has Er-ge ever sent him back?” A-Yao muttered above his head, voice almost petulant. 

“You usually don’t either.”

“Extenuating circumstances. There was a plan.”

Nie Mingjue chuckled. The wail petered out abruptly as it reached its loudest point, just down the hall, and was replaced by distant, wordless murmuring. The both of them froze again, listening closely to the voices, unable to glean the content of the conversation--2 adults, one of them their Xichen, the other a woman--perhaps Jiang Yanli-- and a small, tearful A-Fu. They waited, Nie Mingjue thoughtfully skimming his mustache over the thin skin over A-Yao’s artery until the other man gave him an irritable tweak on the ear. 

A low, kind question. A sniffly affirmative. A-Yao cursed, quietly and viciously, and practically threw himself off of Nie Mingjue’s lap to collapse on his back onto the bed. Grinning again, Nie Mingjue stood and pulled his under robe back on. “You love that boy,” he reminded over his shoulder as he opened the door to their room. 

“You know what else I love?” was hissed back as the door closed behind him, and Mingjue almost hurt himself stifling his snort. Apparently, he was wrong--only Xichen was in possession of infinite patience, after all.

[graigoo]

Jivin’ Bones (Chapter 1)

Summary: The above world isn't what Sans thought it would be, not that he had ever given it much thought. With all his old friends busy living their own lives, even Papyrus away from home more often than not— Sans is left to entertain himself. Bored, he turns back to the Underground. To the broken machine hidden in the back of his workshop. In the process of fixing it, the machine malfunctions and sends Sans into an alternate world.

Thrust into a harsher reality, Sans must survive long enough to find a way back home... while being pursued by a version of himself that's all too interested to know who the new skeleton in town is.

Inspired/Influenced by Sooner or Later You’re Gonna be Mine

Pairing: Bara!Mobfell Sans/Sans

Warnings: Mature, Graphic Violence, Sexual Content

                                              Chapter One

Sans sighed, he huffed, he chuffed.

He lay on the couch, eyes straining as another raunchy comedian sauntered across the TV. The small square box’s glow was bright and the contrast between it and the dark living room was enough to pain his eyes. He rolled over on the couch to face the back of it, both to escape the light and because he was no longer enjoying the comedy special marathon. Raunchy comedians were the worst. Absolute party poopers. Why if Sans were in that crowd, he’d boo the bozo off the stage.

Anyone can spout swear words and point to their nether regions. It takes real comedic talent to get a crowd going with just one’s wit and line delivery. A talent Sans prided himself on, though he admittedly had a preference for puns over everything else.

There had been a time, when the monsters had first come to the surface, bright eyed and full of hope, that Sans had considered a career as a comedian. Touring the world, exploring, teaching the humans what monster comedy was all about. But then he’d really got to thinking about it, talked it over with his brother. And realized it would be… a lot.

He’d be on a schedule, have to actually plan the shows, constantly be moving based on where the crowds are and not where he wanted to be, not to mention having to workout contracts and payment. Too much work so soon after coming up from the Underground and Sans was too tired to be bothered.

Or at least that’s what he had told Papyrus.

He couldn’t have very well told his brother that if he became a professional comedian, then he would have to leave their newly settled home and that they wouldn’t see each other nearly as much. And after spending almost the entirety of his life caring for his younger brother, Sans was reluctant to leave him. For anything. The younger skeleton was a magnet for trouble and danger seemed to follow him wherever he went. Who knew what the hyperactive monster would get up to without Sans around to curb his enthusiasm?

That, and his brother’s dusty remains having slid through his trembling, segmented fingers enough times to be counted on both hands, might have also played a role in his unwillingness to leave his brother behind. Just a small one. Nothing major.

Knowing that Sans’ decision to stay in this little, cozy, do-nothing town was linked entirely to his desire to stay by his brother’s side, would make said brother feel guilty.

Just chalk another mark on the board next to the thousand other ones that represented all the things he couldn’t tell his brother.

Sans groaned as another curse-word laden joke boomed from the TV. Such poor taste, so low brow.

It didn’t suit their new little house, the same as their old, only with more windows. Papyrus, for whatever reason, loved the sun and raved about their home having natural light sources. Sans hadn’t seen the appeal, but was never the argumentative type, least of all over windows. Though he had wanted to mention how easy windows are to break in to. How human children were known to throw rocks through monsters’ windows, graffiti their walls, tee-pee their trees.

Mean spirited pranks that just spoke to how terrible human-surface-world comedy truly was.

Hundreds of channels and somehow the one that used to play in the Underground topped them all.

Tired as he was, lazy as he prided himself on being, the TV would be no distraction tonight. It was late, his brother was out on a patrol, having eagerly and early on joined the human police force. Their version of a guard, a much more boring version. With stricter rules, uniforms, and a harsher schedule. Too much work to join and not enough entertainment value to bother.

Undyne had taken to it immediately, though her more violent tendencies had somehow led to her never making it past the rank of police technician. A dumb name for a rank, because she didn’t actually work on anything technical, like the name suggested. She just helped kids and old humans cross the road, and handed out the occasional parking ticket.

Going from Captain of the honor guard to babysitter, and she wasn’t even bothered by it. Which probably had something to do with the street she regularly patrolled being directly across from the school Alphys taught at. Another step down, from royal scientist to middle school teacher.

The monster kingdom had fallen apart almost immediately after reaching the surface, the integration into human society easier than anyone had thought possible. That didn’t mean there wasn’t a jumbled mess of working parts left behind in the Underground. One no one seemed in any hurry to fix.

Being on the surface didn’t mean they could take it easy. There was more work that needed to be done.

It was just a pain being the only one to remember it needed doing.

The bother of it all didn’t stop him from smiling, even as another horrid joke came from the TV, threatening to put a damper on his already soggy mood. He slid off the couch and picked up the remote, pointing it threateningly at the glowing box.

“Sorry to cut you off early,” he said to the TV comedian. “But you’re not even remotely funny.”

Sans chuckled at his own joke, too tired to give it the proper guffaw it deserved.

“I’d telly you in person,” he continued at the screen. “but I got places TV tonight.”

That got a proper laugh out of him, at the same time the audience started roaring. Sans took a bow then clicked off the television, leaving the white glow from his eye sockets as the only light in the house.

Sans allowed his laughter to carry him out of the living room and to the front of the house. If he couldn’t focus on TV or hang with his brother, then there really was nothing for him to do in the above world, at least not this night. It was too late for anything to be open, and too early to try and get some sleep. That strange in-between that always came after midnight.

So instead he’d do the work no one else remembered needed being done.

Sans closed the door behind him as he stepped outside, only to shiver and shove his hands into his coat pockets. Even after spending so long in Snowdin, Sans still wasn’t a fan of the cold. Not like his brother, who acted like it didn’t affect him at all, the younger skeleton more susceptible to the heat than the cold. To the point that his brother wore crop tops in the winter.

Maybe the cold affected Sans differently because he was already such a chill guy.

Sans snorted, only to cringe as cold air filled his skull. Didn’t stop his smile, or laughter. What would he be if he couldn’t laugh at himself? Sans one funny-bone, is what he’d be.

His snickering was cut short as the first snow of the season began to fall. Looked like it was going to be a white one this winter. He held a hand out as if to catch it, but before a flake could land in his palm, he teleported.

Pop.

Sans landed outside town next to a great big, blue welcome sign.

Welcome to Delta| Population: Growing  

Grinning, he nodded at the sign. “Sorry, didn’t notice you there.”

Without waiting for a rebuttal, he teleported again. This time he landed at the base of Mount Ebott, the soft pop of his teleportation the only sound to be heard for miles. Well, except for the howl of the wind. Looking up he could see a storm coming, the moon slowly being eclipsed by dark clouds. The lack of luminescent light made the forest ahead of him appear even darker. Good thing he wouldn’t be traversing it.

That’d be a real pine in the neck.

With another pop, he teleported to the mountain’s summit.

Being so high up, looking down at the shining city down below the mountain, only made him wonder how a human could possibly fall from such a height and survive. Every time, he questioned it. Flowers weren’t so soft that they could cushion a body. He had theorized that it was actually the barrier that cushioned the human’s fall. It hadn’t parted to let her through, but rather bent forward from the power of her soul, her fall had been slowed by the barrier pushing back against her decent, until the she fallen too far for the barrier’s magic to follow. The little human had pushed through just close enough to the ground to survive.

Or, so Sans theorized.

If he cared enough, which he didn’t, he could always ask Frisk directly what her fall had been like. That was more along Alphys’ line of work, though. Sans had stopped bothering with the barrier years before the human girl had fallen into their lives.

No, his own line of research was much more… theoretical.

With one last look Delta City, sans teleported again.

Pop.

He landed just outside the ruins, his magic enough to get him past the Underground’s entrance, but not all the way to Snowdin. Not that he was in a hurry to arrive or return home. With his brother always patrolling or tired from always patrolling, Alphys and Undyne occupied by their own love lives, and Toriel busy reconnecting with Asgore and raising Frisk—There was no one to miss him.

The corners of his smile twitched, but didn’t drop. Work would distract him from those unwanted and unnecessary thoughts. He had no reason to be anything but content. To have everything every monster in the Underground had ever wanted now possible and only then start to pull a frown…

Well, it wouldn’t be very ice of him.

Sans chuckled just as he teleported to the main entrance of Snowdin.

Pop.

He sighed a contended sigh at the familiar sight. Or, mostly familiar. The town was dark, all the homes and shops empty, abandoned not long after the barrier trapping the residents in the Underground had been lifted. The only light in the town came from its own natural luminescent glow and the decorated tree at the other end of the town. Not even the welcome sign was lit. He’d call it a real ghost town, but he doubts even Napstablook would live here. No one did anymore.

And Sans couldn’t blame them. Even if he would have been perfectly content to spend the rest of his days in the little town, he never expected his brother or the other residents to share his same sense of hopelessness. All from an incident that occurred well before he and his brother had moved to Snowdin.

It had taken Frisk threatening everything in the Underground to snap him out of his funk. Fighting the human over and over- and had he been a more narcissistic skeleton, Sans would have said it had filled with determination.

Then, one random reset, the fighting had stopped.

Sans had thought maybe Frisk had hit her head the last time she fell into the Underground. He hadn’t been, and still wasn’t, willing to ask her too many questions about it, should they reawaken some deeply buried memories. Like every reset prior, he had stayed mostly in the background, watching her choices, and for once the human refused to fight. Even with her life on the line, she hadn’t fought. It was enough to make him cautiously optimistic that Frisk would, at the very least, stop dusting his brother.

Not that he ever really remembered her doing it the first time, or second, third, fifth… But he knew when a reset occurred. The knowledge came to him as a feeling, no concrete evidence, but each time his spine would tingle, and the strongest feeling of déjà vu would strike his skull, feeling almost like a physical blow. It would leave him dazed for only a moment, but it was enough to let him know something wasn’t quite right. Conversations he never remembered the words to would repeat, and he would go through the motions of a normal day. Knowing that everything would reset and nothing anyone did really mattered made it really hard to take anything, anyone, seriously. He’d grown lazier by the day, thinking each one would be the day he stopped trying. But then he’d find his brother’s dusty remains, the pain a fresh wound every time. He never remembered enough to stop the murder from happening, never enough to change the outcome.

Then Frisk had stopped dusting monsters and started befriending them. Each reset that followed, she had come back friendlier and more determined than ever, making something he daren’t called hope build within him. The resets hadn’t stopped until she succeeded in breaking the barrier, at least twice, he thought. Not sure why it took two times, but he never asked.

It wasn’t important and Sans didn’t want to chance another reset.

He breathed out an amused sigh and started his lonely walk through the town. Only slowing as he passed Grilby’s. The place had closed soon after the barrier had broken, and he hadn’t seen the flame monster in a long time because of it. Like with most of Sans’ friends, they’d never been close enough to talk when not physically around each other. Certainly not close enough to share future plans and goals.

Two things Sans never had anyway. Unlike everyone else in the Underground, it seemed. They all had been so excited and hopeful, everyday looking up and thinking about what they would do once the barrier was down. Not that Sans had begrudged them their hopefulness. They just didn’t know what he knew. And Sans had been determined to keep it that way. Anything to keep that hopeful spark in his brother’s bright eyes.

Shaking his head, Sans continued walking. The years he had spent just existing were behind him. Not that he thought anything really mattered, it could still all go away one day. But while there was still some sort of motivation inside him, he would use it.

Gotta make up for lost time, and all.

Sans stopped in front of his and Papyrus’ old home. Looking at it with a wistful kind of longing. It’s interior was exactly the same as the one they lived in now. Save for one thing.

Instead of going in through the front door, Sans walked to left side. He placed a bony hand on the yellow wall and dragged his digits along it. The sound of wood scraping against something hard followed his movements. He didn’t stop until he came to a vertical parting in the wood, unnatural, but so thin as to be unnoticeable. Pulling back from the wall, he reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out a silver key.

He opened the door, covered with wood and painted to blend with the rest of the house, and walked inside, closing the door behind him. The entire process made no sound, the door itself was silent, as it had needed to be. He hadn’t wanted to alert his brother to the existence of what lay inside.

Lest his dear brother become curious, lest he learn of Sans’ research. At first it had been to cover for his own lack of knowledge. That he was essentially trying to teach himself theoretical physics would have been too out of character for Papyrus to let go, and Sans would have been left with no choice but to tell him everything. He couldn’t lie to his brother, but he didn’t have to so long as the younger skeleton never asked questions.

The lights, attached to a sensor, clicked on as Sans walked further inside his small workshop. Tiled purple with blue walls, it was too small and sparse to be called a lab. Barely any tools and one piece of broken machinery in the back, covered by a blue tarp. Though, could a machine be called broken if it had never worked to begin with?

He’d built it not long after he and his brother had moved to Snowdin and his secret workshop was completed. He’d pursued the task with a fervor he’d not known himself capable of. That after it was completed, it hadn’t worked, was probably where his slacker attitude had first started. He barely remembered why he was building it, anyway. He had a name and a feeling.

W.D. Gaster and guilt.

Both confusing, where was the guilt coming from and who was W.D. Gaster? Sans still didn’t know, but he knew it had something to do with the blueprints he had found in the Hotland labs during his brief stint as an assistant to the head scientist there. Though, he had never worked for Alphys and she couldn’t recall at all his time there or just where the blueprint had come from. But he had the badge to prove he had, indeed, worked there. Alphys hadn’t been able to explain it and he hadn’t pressed the issue. Though, maybe he should have.

The most Alphys had been able to do at was tell him the strange text written on the blueprint was wing dings. Meaning it was almost impossible to translate accurately. She had then politely told him she wouldn’t be needing his assistance and fired him from a job she didn’t remember him having.

Sans hadn’t thought anything of it until he had gone home and discovered the photo album. Filled with pictures of himself and his brother during their younger years. And one single picture of himself, Alphys, and a skeleton he doesn’t remember knowing. Even now, the face was a blur, and if not for the photo, he would have forgotten it completely.

Whoever this W.D. Gaster was, the blueprints had something to do with his disappearance and... it was probably Sans’ fault he was gone.

It was the only explanation he could think of for the guilt. The guilt that had led to the generally lazy skeleton to teach himself theoretical physics, to create an underground workshop, to build a machine he had no idea the function of. And still didn’t know, because when he’d finished building the thing, it hadn’t worked. It had blinked, blooped, then shuttered off.

He’d given up then, with the intent to maybe, one day go back to the machine once the demoralization that came with failure lessened.

Then a human had fallen into the Underground and the cycle had begun. And how could he focus on fixing the machine when nothing he or anyone else did mattered?

Now that the barrier was down and everyone had started their new lives, the resets had stopped; there was no excuse not to continue his work. What else was he doing with his life? Nothing, and it was hard to enjoy himself with the guilt that W.D. Gaster was lost somewhere, not enjoying the freedom of the above world because of something Sans had done.

W.D. Gaster? More like W.D. Guilt.

Heh.

Sans chuckled to himself and pulled the blue tarp off of his machine. It was gray, cylindrical, nothing fancy. At least, not on the outside. There were different colored nobs and dials, it looked like every other high-tech science machine Sans had ever seen inside of Alphys’ lab. The only difference being the inside. It was just… a mess, a jumble of wires and pieces Sans still wasn’t entirely sure the function of.  

Even though he had no idea what it did, after so many years working on the machine, it was very gear to his soul.

He’d been coming back every few days since moving to the above world. Though, it had taken some time before he actually mustered up the energy to begin working on the busted machine again. It was something to do, at the very least. Kept his mind off how empty home felt with Papyrus at work more often than not.

With that thought, he began his work. Using the few tools he owned, stashed away in cabinets in the wall, to pry open the back of the machine. He needed to see what had caused it to power off mid function. He’d already made the hypothesis that it was wiring related, just going through every single wire in the back of his machine was taking longer than Sans had anticipated.

He took his time, making sure every wire was connected properly, that the right kind of wire had been used. That nothing was crossed or had come undone. He didn’t keep track of time as he worked, not that he was ever one to do so even when timing mattered.

Eventually he came to a green and blue wire he thought had been mistakenly switched around during the building process. It was good a guess as any, and switching them around and trying to turn the machine back on wouldn’t hurt. Not like the thing could work worse than it already did… Well, it could explode, but Sans wouldn’t let the thought burst his optimistic bubble.

Chuckling to himself for what felt like the tenth time that night, Sans switched the wires, stood from his crouched position behind the machine, and turned it on. Time to test his luck. Heh.

At first, nothing happened. The machine sat quiet as it always has. Then he heard the telltale sounds of a machine booting up. The whir of fans and the hum of power going through its cables.

He watched, almost excited, as the machine’s knobs and buttons began to light up. His eye-sockets widened, however, when the machine started to shake violently. It rocked on the floor, scratching the tile and buzzing in a way that definitely sounded dangerous.

Thinking quickly, Sans reached for the machine’s short power plug, intent on pulling it out. But as his digits got close, electricity burst from the outlet, striking him, causing him to hiss and shake his hand. Smoke started to seep from the machine’s seams, dark clouds poured from where the back panel was open. A high-pitched ringing started to emanate from the machine, loud enough to be painful. Sans covered both his ear-holes, not that his bony hands were very effective in keeping the sound out. Seeing sparks come out of the open back panel was what finally convinced Sans he needed to leave. He’d flip a breaker in the house to cut the power, come back with a fire-extinguisher… Something he probably should have already had in the lab.

Oh well, live and learn- or burn, in this situation.

Sans gathered his magic to teleport, but just as he felt the area around him shift, the machine exploded. Heat blew past him, through him, Sans felt as though he was being torn apart. He shouted, clutching around himself as though to hold himself together. Teleportation had never been so painful. His body was being pulled into a thousand different directions. His teeth rattled like they were going to fall out. Just as he could feel the tips of his fingers disintegrating into dust—

Everything went white.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, man. Did anybody get the number of that bus? Because Sans felt like he’d been run over, backed over, a real case of navicular homicide. Only Sans was still alive… probably.

He wiggled his fingers just to see if he could. They moved, then he did the same with his toes. They moved as well as they could inside his socks and slippers. Not really wanting to, but knowing he needed to, Sans forced his eye-sockets open. It took a minute for his magic to flare up and the whites return to his eyes. And when they did, his vision was blurred. All he could see was darkness. He blinked a few times, and slowly his sight returned.

The first thing Sans noticed after regaining his vision was the snow. It was falling hard around him, cold and wet. He shivered, then winced. He felt like he’d been in a fight, or several, but the familiar feeling of a reset was thankfully absent, so likely not.

“Phew,” Sans sat up and rubbed his skull. “That was some guilt-trip.”

Maybe he’d teleported far enough to strain his magic. It was possible, a fight or flight thing after realizing the machine was going to explode. He took in his surroundings, blinking in confusion; they were familiar. Looking around, he could tell he was still in Snowdin, so he hadn’t teleported too far away. What confused him was that the particular view of Snowdin he was looking at could only be seen from inside of his old home, from the front. But he wasn’t in a home. There was no indication that there had ever been a house where he was sitting.

Sans rubbed his skull again, aw crud, had he blown the house up? Not that they were using it anymore, but when Papyrus found out he was definitely going to explode. And Papyrus had such a booming voice when he was mad; might be better for Sans’ developing skull-ache to just wait for his sibling to find out on his own. If he ever did. As far as Sans knew, his brother didn’t have any plans to go back to the Underground anytime soon. Good. Gave Sans time to come up with a banging excuse.

Groaning, Sans pushed himself to his feet. He almost frowned at the realization of what an explosion would really mean.

No more workshop. No more machine. No more blueprint. No more photo album. No more badge.

Without that blueprint, there was nothing for him to go off of to build a new machine. Without the photo album, he was bound to forget why he needed to build it in the first place. Without seeing the wing dings printed on the blueprints, he’d forget what the W.D. stood for. Without his old badge he’d forget that he ever even worked at the Hotland labs…

Eh, there were worse things in life. Sans shrugged the realization off, taking the opportunity to brush fallen snow off his shoulders and the top of his skull. Must have been laying in the snow for some time to get this covered. And besides, maybe with everything else, the guilt would fade too. Not a bad turn of events.

Shivering, Sans shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

Yeah, definitely nothing to lose his cool over.

Snowdin was colder than he ever remembered it being. Darker too, now that he thought about it. The tree at the end of town wasn’t on meaning there was nothing to provide light, what with the faux-clouds up above covering the natural luminescence of the Underground. His explosion must have knocked the power out, blown a fuse or something.

Oh well, a problem for another day. Right now, Sans was cold, and his mood wasn’t doing so hot either.

He was too tired to teleport, so he was forced to walk through the snow. Passing by empty houses that somehow looked more abandoned than when he’d first arrived. The dark will do that sometimes, he supposed. Again, he found himself slowing in front of the old bar he used to frequent. After the night’s disappointments, he could really go for a drink. The ketchup he had back in Delta just didn’t cut it. Even the expensive stuff tasted off, like the humans focused on the tomato and garlic flavor over the vinegar.

Sans looked over at the bar, smile forlorn, only to do a doubletake. The sign wasn’t lit up, but through the windows he could definitely see a light emanating from the back of the bar. And if his theory about the power being out was true, then there was only one monster bright enough to be seen from the outside.

Sans laughed at his good fortune. Looked like Grilby was back in Snowdin. Probably to grab anything he’d left behind, or close up for good, or maybe he, like Sans, had felt the cold call of nostalgia.

Either way, it wouldn’t be very cool of Sans to pass by without at least a hail and farewell.

Chuckling, Sans stepped forward and pushed the front door open.

“Bonejour,” he loudly greeted the flame monster, taking the opportunity to show off how he’d learned to make puns out of other human languages. It had been almost a year since he’d last seen the bar owner, and Sans planned to use the opportunity to fire up some of his favorite flame puns.  

The lack of a reaction was the first sign something wasn’t quite right with the bar owner. Though, it really should have been the second. How could he have missed that the light coming from the back of the bar was purple. The monster at the back, behind the bar counter was purple. Grilby? Was Grilby purple now? The monster on the other side of the bar, paused with one hand in the air, holding a dust cloth over the dirty bottles on the rack.

Looked like the bar owner had been in the middle of cleaning up. The bar itself was covered in cobwebs, there was dust on every surface, and he couldn’t even make out what the bottles in the back on the bar rack were, they were so filthy. Surely so much dust and dirt couldn’t have accumulated in less than a year? Sans had gone an entire year without cleaning his room before, and it hadn’t looked half as bad as Grilby’s bar did now.

“A skeleton? But I thought…” Sans heard the flame monster mutter to himself.

A single eye-socket rose as he looked his friend up and down. Something was up, was off-color with the whole situation. Purple flame, run down looking bar- even Grilby’s attire was different. A long black coat with a white-furred collar, a red tie.

But then, the human world was known to change a monster; hue was Sans to judge?

“They’ll want to know…” The flame monster muttered again, and Sans decided it was time to join in on the conversation.

“Grilby?” He questioned, walking forward until he came to a stop in front of the bar counter, hopping up to sit on a dirty bar stool. It’d be difficult to talk if he didn’t; he was only just as tall as the counter itself.  

“And if I am?” The flame monster snapped in response, as if irritated to be interrupted. “Who are you? What are you doing out past curfew?”

Grilby stared at Sans like he wasn’t glad to see him and the cold reception would have hurt, had Sans let it. Instead he just shook his head, perplexed by his old friend’s odd behavior. He sure sounded like Grilby, well, except for the attitude. But what was that about a curfew?

“Funny,” Sans laughed awkwardly. Grilby had never been one to crack jokes, though Sans supposed he could appreciate the attempt. Because that’s what this had to be.

“I don’t see how,” Grilby said, turning to face him fully. “Some strange skeleton I’ve never met before comes into my bar after hours, after curfew- and you think it’s funny?” There was a suspicion that couldn’t be faked in his old friend’s tone, and it shook Sans to the bone.

“Grilby…” Sans said. “… Don’t you recognize me?” He asked, trying to tone down his confusion.

It was apparently the wrong thing to ask, though, because the monster’s purple flame burned higher in anger. Even a different color, Sans recognized the signs of friendly fire headed his way.

“Don’t play games, skeleton.” Was the flame monster’s response.

Sans started to sweat, and it wasn’t just because Grilby was burning hotter than Sans had ever seen him burn before. “C’mon, I used to come here all the—”

“Are you trying to implicate me?” Grilby accused, cutting Sans off.

Implicate? In what, Sans wanted to ask, but he got the feeling more questions would only add fuel to the fire.

“Woah there pal, don’t go getting all hot under the collar.” Sans said, palms up to indicate he didn’t want any trouble. “You don’t know me, I got it.”

A theory started to form in the back of Sans’ skull, though he didn’t like it. The machine he had built had something to do with time, that much he knew. What if when it had blown up, the force of the explosion had thrown him back in time? Far back enough that it was before he and his brother had moved to Snowdin. Back far enough that Grilby still had trouble controlling his heat, was going through a purple phase, and was terrible at customer service. It wouldn’t be the strangest thing that had ever happened to the skeleton. But he would need more time to think on it. Heh.

Plenty of time for a drink then. After all, when else would he ever have an opportunity like this?

“You got any ketchup in this place?” Sans asked, a blatant attempt to change the topic. “I’m usually more talkative after I’m good and sauced.”

Grilby groaned, but his eyes were no less suspicious than before, and without another word, the bartender turned away from him and back to his dusty bottles. Movements slow, contemplative.

Under his breath Sans muttered “Well, that backfired.”

Grilby’s flaming head snapped around to glare at Sans through impossibly narrow eyes, to which the skeleton only shrugged. If he remembered right, it had taken some time for the fire monster to come around to Sans’ particular char-isma. Maybe even further back in the timeline, Grilby had been an even bigger hot head.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” Grilby started. “But since you are here…” Grilby turned back around to face him, seemingly calmer than before. A single bright finger was raised, pointing off to the side of the bar counter, and Sans’ gaze followed that finger. It was pointing to the left, where a small metal container held napkins, salt, pepper, mustard, and—Ketchup!

Grinning, Sans stretched for it, not above placing a knee on the counter top in order to reach his delicious drink. Ha, even years in the past and Grilby knew to keep the good stuff on tap. The bottle was glass, looking a lot fancier than Sans was used to. But it didn’t matter, ketchup was ketchup.

As he reached for it, the flame monster continued talking.

“Drink all you want,” Grilby told him, that suspicious tone ever present. “Just don’t leave until I return.”

That only elicited another shrug from Sans. “Sure thing, pal.”

Where would he go? His home was gone, the town empty save for the bar. It was cold outside, and like always, Grilby’s was the warmest place to be in Snowdin. The ketchup was lukewarm, just how he liked it, and just for a short while Sans could pretend like he wasn’t probably thrown back in time and that everything was still as it once was. Before a small human had come to the Underground, before the resets, before the surface world had brought everyone closer together while simultaneously drifting them apart.

Wow, that almost brought a frown to his face.

And if that wasn’t a sign he needed some ketchup, Sans didn’t know what was. Deciding tonight was one of those nights, he unscrewed the top.

“Maybe when you get back, we can ketch-up.” Sans said with a wink in the flame monster’s direction.

Grilby grunted in disgust then disappeared to the backroom of his bar, the door closing behind him, sign tacked to it, stating employees only, swinging from the momentum.

Once again Sans shrugged, not really getting the fire man’s problem. Maybe he was just embarrassed to have his bar seen in such a dingy state. If this Grilby had known Sans, he would know that the skeleton was the last monster to judge another’s cleanliness. But as Grilby had yet to meet Sans… or had met him, but at the wrong time? And probably won’t remember meeting him once everything was said and done—Sans didn’t really hold the curt behavior against him.

Forgiving skeleton that he was, Sans wouldn’t make a tissue of it.

Ahahahaha-ha-ha-haaaaah…

Without hesitation, Sans knocked back the ketchup bottle and chugged. A comfort drink if there ever was one. Or so he thought. The vinegar taste was stronger than he remembered, the whole taste an almost unfamiliar tang. If not for the distinct texture, he would have questioned what he was drinking. Was this really ketchup? Sans slammed the half-empty bottle back on the table, coughing and glaring at the fancy bottle with mild, amused annoyance. That sure was some strong ketchup. What did Grilby do, drown the tomatoes in vinegar? Heck, if Sans had wanted to get plastered, he would have asked for a shot. Not that he was the type for it.

With one digit, he pushed the bottle further away. His smile never wavered, even as the vinegar burned down his throat, heating his chest in a painful way. He placed a hand over his white shirt, feeling to make sure his ribs weren’t actually melting. Mean as it might be to think, but if all of Grilby’s drinks were like that, it’s no wonder the bar was empty. It had probably taken a while for Grilby to figure out the right tomato past to vinegar ratio. Good thing Sans was here to set him down the right path early.

Though, would anything he did now affect the future? Until he knew more about just what had happened, he would need to be careful not to let too much slip. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about running into himself here. Maybe—

The sound of a door opening pulled Sans from his own theorizing thoughts, and he waited for Grilby to come out of the back room so Sans could give him some well-meaning criticism. He waited, but the fire monster never stepped out. Actually, now that he was looking, the door to the back room had never opened. At the exact time Sans noticed, a breeze blew into the bar from behind him, causing him to shiver. Cold.

Had Grilby gone out the back and come back in the front? Maybe flame monster had needed to cool off.

Sans turned his head, ready to greet Grilby with a joke, only to stiffen at what he saw. Cold sweats rolled down Sans’ face and the chill from the wind sank into his bones. And in that moment, Sans didn’t think he could have moved even if he wanted to.

Even after living in Snowdin for so long, Sans had never been frozen in fear before. And if asked, he would never admit that might be what was happening to him now. And he definitely couldn’t say why.

It definitely couldn’t be because, standing in the bar’s wide doorway, was a massive monster. Tall and wide, the monster nearly took up the whole of the door frame. It blocked out most of the town’s natural luminescent light, creating a shadow that stretched from the entrance of the bar to just where Sans was sitting. He swallowed down nothing, the icy chill of the monster’s red stare having long since put out the burn in his throat.

Outside of King Asgore, Sans had never seen a monster so large. Though, why should it matter? Sans had always been on the short size, so height alone was never enough to intimidate him. In fact, Sans couldn’t remember a time he had ever felt intimidated. The ability to teleport and knowledge of resets had really taken the thrill out of life.

Not content to stand in the doorway, the large monster walked forward, the wooden floor creaking under its weight with every step. It didn’t take long for Sans to get a better look at the monster. The skeleton monster.

He was tall, taller than Papyrus. Wider than him too. Was he bigger than W-w… Gaster had been? The memory of the skeleton was already so vague, he can’t possibly begin to know. What if he was Gaster? Had he been thrown back in time too? Or did he just exist in this time period unrelated to the machine’s capabilities?  

The monster was staring at him like he didn’t believe what he was seeing and Sans couldn’t help but do the same.

The strange skeleton’s clothes did nothing to distract from his impressive size. And they said black was supposed to be slimming! Sans blinked just to make sure he was seeing what he thought he was seeing. Because not only was the skeleton the largest Sans had ever seen, he’s also the best dressed out of… well anyone he had ever known. And Sans was good friends with royalty.

A black undershirt, shining like it was made of silk. The sleeves were up to the skeleton’s elbows with the top two buttons undone. A fashion choice, or had the guy left in a hurry? If it was the latter, Sans didn’t want to know the reason why…

Okay, he did, but that was only because it could possibly have something to do with his presence in the bar and Grilby’s disappearance to the backroom.

The only thing covering the undershirt was a dark red vest with thin black pin stripes. It looked tight on the skeleton’s massive body, and Sans doubted it was the most comfortable outfit. What with the dress pants, the belt, and black dress shoes with laces? Didn’t matter that they looked fancy and expensive with their red and gold accents—The monster would have to bend over to tie them. No level of fashion was worth that.

More striking than the clothes was the skeleton’s smile, it was wide as Sans’ own, though much less welcoming. Sharp teeth were clenched together, a single gold tooth glinting in his smile. It was the most threatening smile Sans had ever seen. Did it even count as a smile at that point?

The monster certainly didn’t look like any scientist Sans had ever seen. But then, Sans doubted he looked very scientific at a glance.

Their staring contest was broken first by the stranger, who had come to a full stop directly in front of Sans, the monster’s shadow completely covering his much smaller form.

The stranger chuckled, then asked, “and what have we got here?” The voice was deep, rough, but jovial. Sounding like he stepped straight out of one of those old mobster movies Frisk loved to watch.

The friendly tone gave Sans hope that in spite of the monster’s intimidating appearance, he didn’t want a confrontation. All good then, as Sans wasn’t sure what fighting the strange skeleton would do to the future timeline, if anything he did in this timeline mattered at all.  

Them both being skeletons, Sans went for his tried and true classics when answering the most likely rhetorical question.

“Tibia honest,” Sans responded with a forced chuckle. “I’m not really sure, myself. You pa-tella me.”

Not his finest work, but Sans cut himself a break. It had been a while since he’d had to joke under pressure. His bone-saw was rusty, so to speak.

The large skeleton only continued to stare at Sans; his smile replaced with a look of confusion. What, had the monster never heard a joke before? Sans’ puns weren’t that bad, he’d definitely told worse. He tensed, prepared to teleport if the stranger turned violent. Only for it to be his turn to look at the other skeleton in confusion.

The monster had started to chuckle, a low menacing sound, then he placed his large hands on his stomach and threw his head back, bellowing the most guttural and intense laugh Sans had ever heard. The skeleton laughed, and laughed, and laughed, his large body shaking from the force of it. He showed no signs of stopping and for a moment Sans wondered if the guy had snapped. His jokes tended to do that with the more violence prone monsters.  

Then the stranger wiped an invisible tear from his eye-socket, sucking in a breath and straightening back up. Those red eyes almost looked warm and Sans thought maybe he could make a friend out of this monster. Maybe it would mess with the timeline, but Sans doubted it. He suspected nothing he did in this time would affect the future. Besides, what was the alternative? Ignore the skeleton? That would be a level of rude Sans wasn’t comfortable with, and Papyrus had nagged better manners into him than that.

“Got a real funny-bone, don’t-cha?” The skeleton asked, voice wheezy from how hard he had been laughing.

Sans shrugged and leaned back against the bar; legs spread and posture loose. Intentionally appearing more relaxed than he felt. It never hurt to be underestimated. Literally.

“I’d say yes, but I haven’t got the nerve,” Sans responded casually. The urge to laugh at his own joke was strong, but Sans’ will was stronger. Once he got started it was hard to stop, and laughing too hard would leave him vulnerable. And until he was sure of his situation, he couldn’t afford that luxury.

Something the larger skeleton didn’t seem to worry about, as he laughed once again, shorter than before, but no less unnerving. Heh.

The stranger grinned down at Sans, and it was an unsettling enough look that Sans had to second guess his own ever smiling choice. Not that he could help it, most of the time. There was just too much comedy to be found in the world. Even now, with a six foot something skeleton towering over him, Sans couldn’t help but imagine how hilarious they must look from the outside.

“You’re not from around here, are ya?” The stranger asked, sounding sure of himself.

“What makes you say that?” Sans answered the other skeleton’s question with a question of his own.

Another question he never should have asked, Sans realized too late. The larger skeleton took it as an excuse to place both his hands on the counter behind Sans, caging him in. And had those teeth looked any less sharp, Sans would have snickered at the attempt of intimidation. The tough guy routine was always a funny one to witness. Though, the one usually trying to pull it off was his brother, and not some giant skeleton who looked like he could snap bones with just his jaw strength.

The strange skeleton’s good humor from before was gone, though the smile stayed. It was just too bad for the stranger that Sans’ wasn’t the type to be intimidated. He’d only ever felt threatened during one recurring fight in his life, and big as he was, this skeleton would never measure up to it.

“Now let me make something clear—I’m the one who asks the questions here, capisce? You cooperate, and maybe you’ll get out of here alive.” The stranger threatened with a smile that was too close for comfort.

“Whatever you slay, buddy.” Sans joked.

The other’s eye-sockets narrowed, and he lifted a large hand as if to strike the smaller skeleton. Sans tensed, but the movement toward his face was too slow to slow to be meant for a blow.

“Somethin’ about you seems…” The stranger ran his thick bony fingers over the top of Sans’ skull, the touch light and very unwelcome.

“What—what are you…” Sans was taken off guard and seconds away from teleporting. He’d never been one to shy away from touch, but something about the way this skeleton ran his digits over Sans’ skull really rattled his bones.

“Humerus me,” the skeleton responded, still sounding amused.

Sans laughed nervously; the whole thing was too strange to be funny. Well, almost. Everything was funny in its own odd way. Curfews, giant skeletons- turns out Snowdin was a crazy place before he and his brother had showed up. One day Sans would look back on this and laugh. One far, far away day.

For now, he just stayed still, allowing the stranger to turn his head this way and that, run his large hand over the back of Sans’ skull. Feeling him like he’d never seen one before. What, did the guy never look in a mirror? Sure, he looked a lot more textured than Sans, but still.

“So smooth,” the stranger murmured.

It was the perfect opportunity to interject with a joke. Being called smooth was such a comedic opening that he’d be remiss to let it slip by. But before he could get a word out, his jaw was gripped tightly and tilted upwards, forcing him to look directly into the larger skeleton’s eye sockets. They glowed a menacing red, the light reflecting off the sharp gold tooth that was all too visible.

Was the threatening look intentional? Why would a monster, outside of the royal guard, ever bother to appear a threat? Could… Perhaps…

More credence was being given to his back in time theory. Back far enough that he ended up in a time right after the war with the humans had only just ended? It would explain Grilby’s tense behavior and the lack of patrons in the bar. From what he’d read at the Libraby, Snowdin had taken several decades to really take off, most monsters preferring the warmer temperatures or water areas. Not until overpopulation in the capital had monsters begun venturing out into the colder regions. Even then, Snowdin had never been the most populated of towns. With such a low population, it didn’t even qualify as a village. With a population of less than one-hundred and fifty, it was technically a hamlet.

But then, Sans had never been one for labels. If the citizens of Snowdin wanted to call their home a town, what did he care? It just added to the town’s quirk. A great, interesting, place to live.

Why did they ever leave?

That’s a bad thought and Sans quickly cast it out of his mind. He was usually so careful about what thoughts and emotions he allowed himself to feel. Must be the cold, it was chilling his sense of humor.

The strange touch stopped and Sans didn’t bother trying to stop his sigh of relief. He couldn’t very well let the monster think his touch had been wanted, welcome, or appropriate.

“Definitely not from around here,” the other skeleton whispered to himself. Though, not quite soft enough for Sans not to hear, if that was even the intent.

“You look like you crawled out of a dumpster,” the stranger grinned at him, eyeing the smaller skeleton up and down like he thought the clothes he wore came from a dumpster too.

Sans’ own eye-sockets narrowed. He had a snarky quip ready to go— And you look like you escaped from a balloon factory— but he thought better of it. Not because he was intimidated, but because if a fight did start, Sans only had the one jacket. If it got torn during a fight, the chances of finding another like it in his size were extremely low. And it was cold outside.

So, he shrugged, maintaining his nonchalant façade.

“A skeleton’s gotta sleep where he can.” No joke that time, after the complete disregard for Sans’ personal space and disrespect toward his threads, Sans’ didn’t think the monster deserved his material. Mostly because the stranger seemed to actually enjoy it. Which would have been a welcome change of pace had it been literally anyone else.

“That I hear,” the stranger responded. Like Sans sleeping in a dumpster would be some normal, everyday revelation. “What I’m not hearin’, is why I haven’t ever seen you around before.”

That same deep, menacing timbre from before returned and Sans’ couldn’t stop his flinch at the abrupt shift in tone. What was this monster’s deal? One minute he was laughing at Sans’ jokes, the next he was getting too touchy and acting all threatening, the red in his eye-sockets glowing brighter.

“You know every monster?” Sans asked, a sarcastic edge to his voice.

“From Snowdin- and every skeleton, yeah.” Was the quick rebuttal. “And you’re not from here.”

Sans, not about to argue, simply replied, “I’m from out of town.”

“Way outta town, I take it. What’s a daisy like you doin’ in a place like this?”

“Daisy?” Sans parroted. If there was joke, Sans didn’t get it.

“You’re wearing’pink, ain’t ya?”

“… Yeah?” Sans said, waiting for the punchline.

“So that makes you a daisy.” The other skeleton replied with a nasty grin. Was it an insult, then?

… Sans didn’t get it, but out of respect for the art, he chuckled anyway.

Which was, once again, the wrong thing to do.

The large skeleton growled and Sans almost felt annoyance at the rapid change in attitude. One minute, everything was rosy, the next, he’s pushing up daisies. What in carnation was going on?

“Now listen here, you little daisy— That’s the third time I’ve repeated myself, and I’m not a man who likes repeatin’ himself.” Faster than Sans could follow, the larger skeleton summoned a sharp bone with his magic, and pointed it under Sans’ chin with a level of speed he hadn’t thought someone so big could possess.

“Now I’d hate to cut such a pretty face, but you won’t want me repeatin’ myself a fourth time.” The tip of the bone pricked the underside of Sans’ jaw. “Usually it’s three strikes and you’re out, but I’m lettin’ you take one more swing.”

The larger skeleton’s speed was interesting, the whole situation was interesting. It was something new. Being called pretty was new. But the threats? Sans eyed the stranger with an air of boredom about him and simply responded, “I’m more of a basketball man, myself.”

Then, unperturbed, he placed a bony hand over the one currently holding a knife to his face.

“You first, buddy,” Sans said. He was always one to hold what he knew close to his chest, and if the stranger wanted to know who Sans was, well, all the more reason not to tell. The whites of his own eyes glowed brighter, though the other skeleton didn’t seem to notice. The monster once again barked out a laugh, then looking at Sans like he didn’t believe what he was seeing, what he was hearing.

“… You don’t know?” The stranger asked, like Sans should know.

Some ego on the guy, no wonder he was so big and wore such restricting clothes. He needed them to contain all that hot air.

“You must’ve had that dumpster locked tight if you’ve never heard of me before.” Just as quickly as it’d appeared, the bone dagger was wisped away in a cloud of red smoke.

“No wonder you don’t have any manners, you haven’t a clue who you’re dealin’ with, do ya?” It was said so matter-of-factly that Sans wondered if he had somehow overlooked the large skeleton in the history books.  

“The name’s Sans, Sans the skeleton.” A hand was held out to him. “And you, lil’ daisy?”

Sans soul thudded in his ribcage, the large hand was directly in front of him, but he could no longer see it. Everything was a blur as those words played over and over in his head.

Sans, Sans the skeleton. Sans. The skeleton.

Sans.  

Anything the larger skeleton—Sans said after was drowned out by the buzz in the back of Sans- his, skull. His smile waivered as the answer to his situation rattled around inside his skull. If only it would stop bouncing around, he’d know what to do.

“Take my hand, lil’ daisy.” It was an order said through sharp, clenched teeth. Whatever humor the other Sans had been getting out his lack of knowledge was apparently disappearing.  

Just like he was about to. Haha.

Before his smile could fall, Sans teleported.

Pop.

To the mountain’s summit, completely covered by snow.

Pop.

To Mount Ebott’s base, the forest behind him looking gnarled and dead.

Pop.

He landed heavy in the snow. It was too dark and he was too far from the city’s welcome sign to read it. But he didn’t give himself time to collect his thoughts or to regain his usual cool. And though his smile was still stretched across his face as he stumbled forward, it was painfully forced. A wretched, familiar feeling of hopelessness was filling him. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt since those first few battles in the castle corridor. And given the circumstances, it didn’t make sense.

It was just a name, his name, so why did it fill him with so much dread? Like he was being faced with a problem that had no solution. Just like the resets all over again.

Sans stopped in front of the city’s welcome sign, hands on his knees, out of a breath he didn’t need. The sign was red instead of the familiar blue. Its paint was chipped and the edges rusted. It was obviously old and not well cared for. However, the black words written across it were clear, looking freshly painted. The strength in Sans’ legs gave way as he read the sign, his knees hitting the snow as he looked on with wide eye-sockets.

Welcome to Fell City | Population: Shrinking

 ~ End

 AN: This will likely be the longest chapter of the fic, on account of all the exposition I had to fit in. I want to explore OG Sans' character with this, focusing on his wants, his intelligence, and I think the perfect foil to match up against Sans is Sans himself.

Feedback is welcome and appreciated.

1900s Slang:

Daisy - None too masculine

[joeybelle]

Starlight - Chapter 25

Relationship: Cassian Andor x Original Female Character

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: NSFW, Sexual Content, Strong language

Size: 8600

---

Cora woke up completely disoriented. The world was spinning rapidly and a couple of moments had to pass before it stabilized enough for her to realize that she wasn’t in fact moving, and it was just one of the side effects of irresponsible drinking. But that wasn’t the main problem.

The first problem was the darkness. It was pitch black and she hadn’t slept in complete darkness since she’d moved to Yavin. Her eyes were wide open, staring into the nothingness, feeling lost. She knew that even in case of a power outage, the batteries in Ben’s tank would still last for at least a few days. Second, this was definitely not her bed. Not only was the mattress different, but the sheets felt odd against her skin. She splayed her fingers, trying to take in as much of her environment as possible without giving away that she was awake. She had no idea where she could have ended up. Even the vents that constantly pumped air sounded different.

She just laid there unmoving for a couple of minutes, eyes wide trying to adjust to the darkness, but in the end she gathered all her courage to start feeling around. Her throat felt dry and irritated and she really needed to pee, so she had to find out where she was and if it was safe to go look for a bathroom.

She extended her arm and started exploring. Her heart almost jumped out of her chest when she realized that someone was laying next to her in bed, fast asleep. It should have crossed her mind that if she wasn’t in her own bed, it probably belonged to someone else. And it would have been pretty plausible for that someone to still be occupying it. But the feeling of his warm skin against the palm of her hand was so familiar that she instinctively relaxed, even before fully registering that the man next to her was in fact the one and only, Captain Andor.

Cora let out a sigh of relief that quickly turned into a silent laughter. She was a fool. She should have realized the instant she woke up that this was Cassian’s bed because it smelled like him, intoxicatingly so, even with the tang of alcohol covering almost everything else. Panic had taken over for a moment and she froze, as usual.

But why did it stink like alcohol and why was she in Cassian’s bed?

Once she was fully awake the memories flooded back. She’d taken a couple of days off knowing that, as always, she wouldn’t be able to focus on anything on her mother’s death anniversary. Especially since the nights leading to it had been terrible. She hadn’t planned on drinking but she’d woken up shaking in the middle of the night and had trouble going back to sleep. She felt like shit in the morning, and then it even got worse as the day proceeded. So she decided it was time to properly mourn, get this out of her system and hopefully be able to sleep better after. Or at least, feel like shit because of the hangover. She grabbed her bottle of Corellian brandy and hid from everyone on the platform outside, fully determined to finish it by herself. She wondered if she’d managed.

Her memory was a little foggy, but to her surprise she only seemed to have completely blacked out at the end, cause she had no recollection as to how she got in this unfamiliar room. Or she’d fallen asleep, she wasn’t sure. But she remembered Cassian coming to look for her, she remembered telling him the story and the sadness on his face as he listened. She was really happy that he’d come, it helped ease her mind knowing that he was back home, safe.

She inched closer and hugged him, kissing him softly on the cheek. He shifted a little under her touch and Cora froze, hoping that he wouldn’t wake up.

“Morning,” he mumbled, and Cora sighed. “You’re up already?”

“I woke up to pee,” she replied in all honesty and Cassian chuckled, a sound that filled her with warmth.

“Did you find the bathroom?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” she said, stretching. “And it’s so cozy in here anyway.” Cassian laughed and turned on a light on the nightstand above their heads. Cora blinked a few times, adjusting to the light.

His room was a lot smaller than hers, Cora noticed looking around. There was a bed, a desk and a chair, a wardrobe and a door that she supposed lead to a refresher. In fact, it was pretty standard for a single room, but Cora had gotten so used to her roomy living space that she sometimes had to remind herself that it had been built with more people in mind than just her.

“I’ll be back,” she said, pecking Cassian’s lips before getting out of bed and heading for the refresher.

Cassian’s room was exactly how she imagined it: neat, simple, with little things that made it personal. There was a pair of old, used boots in a corner of the room, his blue parka was hanging on one side of the door, and there was a blaster rifle leaning on the wall, next to his desk. His desk was also pretty neat, much cleaner than hers. The only things in sight were a datapad, a couple of military strategy books stacked in a corner, and a blaster pistol. Nothing was out of order besides the pile of clothes thrown on the floor.

Cora looked down at what she was wearing: one of Cassian’s shirts, she assumed, and her underwear. She had no idea how or when she’d changed.

“Did we… you know?” she asked, hearing Cassian outside the bathroom. She didn’t mind if they did, but she was annoyed at the lack of memory.

“No, you fell asleep on me,” he answered. “I had to fight you to get you changed.”

“Figures,” she mumbled. “Why does everything stink like brandy? And why am I so sticky?”

“Because you insisted on baptizing us both with what was left in the bottle,” he laughed, poking his head though the open door. Cora groaned, hiding her face in her palms. “Melshi would be proud, you know.”

“No, please! Don’t mention that devil,” she feigned indignation. “You should have kicked me into the shower last night, you shouldn’t have let me soil your sheets.”

“Doesn’t matter, they needed changing anyway. How are you feeling?”

“Surprisingly not as bad as I’d expected,” she said, washing her hands. “I mean I’m somewhat dizzy and my head hurts a bit, but other than that I’m fine. Jet juice was far worse than this and I never drank this much.” She was dehydrated like a raisin. Her mouth was really dry and her stomach a bit disgruntled, but she’d expected to be puking her guts out and wishing an early death after pulling a stunt like that. Surprisingly, none of that had happened yet.

“Yeah, jet juice is terrible. At least the Corellian stuff is high quality. Here, drink this,” he said, handing her a bottle of water.

“Thanks, I was just gonna ask you for something to drink,” she said, taking the bottle to her lips and drinking greedily. “You’re a lifesaver.”

Cassian smiled. He was only dressed in his underwear, his hair sticking awkwardly in all directions, looking sticky and matted. He must have been right when he said she baptised them both, her hair felt and smelled terrible too. She noticed a red and purple bruise on his fingers when she handed him an empty bottle.

“What happened to your hand?” she asked, catching his wrist between her fingers before he had the time to hide it.

“”Just a bruise,” he said, looking embarrassed. “Hammered it yesterday. It’s no big deal.”

Cora let go of his hand, but only after making sure that he was indeed telling the truth. He’d be ok with just a bacta patch and a kiss, for now.

“What’s the time?” she asked, once Cassian returned to the bedroom.

“Very early. It’s still dark outside.”

“Oh.” Her perception of time was completely screwed. She had no idea when she started drinking or when she eventually stopped, but she had vague memories of a sunset. Or she might have dreamt that, she had no idea. “You should go back to sleep, then. Is it okay if I take a shower in the meantime?”

“Yeah, take your time,” he said, picking up some clothes off the floor. “I’ll just tidy up a bit.”

Cora watched him from the bathroom door. She could see a couple more bruises on his skin, but nothing life threatening so she decided this wasn’t the right time to pester him about them. Instead, she allowed herself to be happy that he was back home, in far better condition than other times. She wanted to make the most out of the time spent together, because she never knew when he’d be sent back.

“Or... you could join me if you don’t plan on sleeping,” she offered with a cheeky grin on her lips. Cassian stopped halfway through picking up the clothes on the floor. “Since I doused you in brandy, I might as well help clean you up.”

Cassian smirked and dropped the clothes in the same spot. It seemed they weren’t a priority anymore as he walked towards Cora. His pace was slow, but determined, and suddenly he didn’t remind her of the cute, fuzzy rodent she used to play with when she was a kid. No, he looked like something much more dangerous, something darker, and the thrill was making her belly squirm. Cora didn’t know if she was still drunk or not, but her face flushed in a matter of seconds, and she could feel herself becoming quite lightheaded. Anticipation was making her heart beat faster as she stepped backwards into the cramped refresher, Cassian following suit.

He didn’t wait around, but grabbed the hem of her shirt and in one fluid motion pulled it over her head. Cora shivered when the air hit her skin, but it wasn’t just the cold that was giving her goosebumps. Cassian was admiring her with a hungry look in his eyes, like he’d been starving for her and wasn’t able to restrain himself anymore.

“That didn’t take much convincing,” she laughed, splaying her hands on his chest.

“I didn’t think I’d have to play hard to get,” he said, taking a quick step forward, closing the gap between them and pinning her to the wall.

“You weren’t that easy to get either… historically speaking.” Cora smiled cheekily and sucked in a breath as her breasts pressed against him, her nipples perking up at the contact.

Cassian kissed her jaw right under her ear. “You think so? I thought I was pretty easy.”

Cora nodded and snaked her hands around his neck, pulling him into a long, languid kiss. “You were a nightmare.”

Oh, how she’d missed his touch, his kisses on her jaw, his scent. She’d gotten so used with him being grounded and sharing a bed almost every night that the moment he had to leave once again, the absence was almost physically painful. So she promised herself to make the most of their time spent together, to enjoy every brief touch, every fleeting kiss. Her fingers tangled in his hair as he kissed down her neck, pulling gently to guide him where she wanted his lips. He was obediently following her guidance, kissing, licking and nibbling at the soft skin, before going back up to claim her lips.

Cassian’s hips pressed into hers and she could feel his growing arousal through the thin material of their undergarments. Her hand dropped between them, slowly massaging his cock, feeling it twitch at her touch.

Cassian was patient, almost annoyingly so. He didn’t rush to undress her, instead focused on what was already in front of him. He brushed his lips over her right nipple, slowly kneading her soft flesh, while leaning into her hand for a little more pressure.

Cora hissed once his mouth closed over her nipple, sucking gently. “Should we actually shower?” she asked, a little out of breath. “Before we become too busy to care about that?”

“Mhm,” he mumbled, a bit reluctant to move his lips from her breast, but hitting a switch on the wall anyway.

It was a bit of a shock when the water hit her skin, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. She was still pretty dehydrated so she wondered if she could absorb some moisture through her skin like some sort of amphibian. They fiddled a little with the temperature, Cora yelping and giggling whenever it was too hot or too cold, but in the end they found a setting that they both enjoyed. She took off her wet underwear, something both of them forgot to do before turning the water on.

“You know, this reminds me of Samarkand,” she said, slipping her thumbs under the waistband of his boxers and pulling them off. Her heart skipped a beat; the excitement of seeing him fully naked before her hadn’t diminished no matter how often they slept together. “But I think there was even less space on your ship,” she added, trying to hide her blush.

Cassian chuckled. “Yeah, that one’s smaller,” he said, looking around. He squirted some shampoo from the wall dispenser and started shampooing his hair.

“I really didn’t mind the lack of space,” she smiled, spreading some shower gel on his body instead of her own. She had a feeling they wouldn’t be doing much washing, because her fingers kept tracing the outline of his muscles down to his cock instead of focusing on the task at hand. Cassian seemed a little less distracted, taking some more shampoo and starting to wash her hair too.

“Is that so?”

“Mhm,” she purred, closing her eyes and leaning into his touch like a cat looking for affection. His fingers felt so good on her scalp, gently massaging circles into her skin as she left her soapy hands wander up and down his torso. He brushed his lips over hers before going in for a proper kiss. She could taste the faint aroma of shampoo that washed over his face from time to time, but it didn’t matter.

The only thing that mattered was him and the closeness between them, and how good it felt when he let his hands brush down her neck, spreading the perfumed foam all over her shoulders. What mattered were the deep, hungry kisses that meant more than a thousand unspoken words.

Eventually, the shower was forgotten. Cassian had pinned Cora to the wall, hands above her head, kissing and licking across her collarbone, leaving angry red spots whenever he sucked a little to hard. The water automatically turned off at some point, but neither of them noticed, too lost in the heat of the moment to give a damn about what was going on around them.

His fingers inside her were drawing restrained gasps of pleasure from her parted lips. By now he knew her by heart, his fingers almost instinctively finding her most sensitive spots. His palm pressing against her clit was making her tremble, and she kept thrusting her hips forward to meet the movement of his hand. She moaned when his lips closed over her nipple, sucking gently, her mind becoming cloudier with every flick of the tongue, with every curl of his fingers inside.

The tension was rapidly building inside her and it didn’t take long for Cassian’s expert fingers to take her over the edge, her nerves on fire. When he let go of her hands, she let herself slide down to her knees, her legs too wobbly to sustain her weight. She was breathing fast and shivering all over from her orgasm and as she peeked up, she saw Cassian looking at her with a very smug smile on his lips.

“Very pleased with ourselves, are we?” she laughed.

“A bit,” he replied, grinning.

“Well, you should be. A bit.”

She looked him in the eye when she took him in her hand and gave the head a tentative lick. The smug smile vanished in an instant, something more primal taking its place. His hands went to the wall for support and Cora snickered, fully aware that if he knew how to push her buttons, she knew how to make him lose his composure too.

No matter how restrained Cassian usually was, he didn’t try to put up a front when it came to sex. While he wasn’t really vocal, Cora could easily tell when she did the right thing. From the twitch of his cock when she licked the underside to the almost inaudible hiss that escaped his mouth when she took him in her mouth, trying to fit as much as she could without gagging, he was really easy to read. The ridge between his eyebrows accentuated as she flicked her tongue on the head, tasting his precum.

She liked seeing him like that, on the verge of losing all composure, knowing that she was the one making him feel that way. It was one of the very few instances when Cassian dropped his mask completely, letting himself be vulnerable and open, so she kept her eyes open, enjoying the look of complete surrender on his face.

She could feel the tension in his thighs as he tried not to push back into her throat knowing she didn’t like it. Cora did her best to quicken the pace and give him the release he so desperately needed, but Cassian stopped her. It seemed like he wasn’t gonna be as patient anymore, as he helped her up and turned her around to face the wall. Cora brought her hands forward for support and spread her legs to give him better access. She looked over her shoulder, a lascive smile playing on her lips as he hastily positioned himself behind her.

He entered her in one quick thrust of his hips, filling her completely, almost knocking the air out of her. Cora sucked in a breath as he placed soft kisses on her shoulder, allowing her to get used to the sensation of him filling her. It was more a case of mental adjusting, though, her body already ready to have him, but she still enjoyed the tiny moment of stillness, the way their bodies connected and fit so deliciously together, before he started pumping into her.

His pace was rushed and a little erratic, but Cora enthusiastically met his thrusts. His wet skin was slapping against her butt, filling the tiny bathroom with lewd sounds that mixed with the silent gasps of pleasure that sometimes escaped their parted mouths. She was already lost in the pleasure he managed to bring forth. It seemed so easy for him to make her lose her mind, she felt like she was putty in his hands.

It didn’t take long for another orgasm to ripple through her entire body, leaving her lightheaded and breathless and terribly satisfied. He quickly followed, coming inside her with a low grunt, and hugging her tight, his face in the crook of her neck. For a moment, he rested his weight on Cora, completely spent. She entwined her fingers with his, just holding his hand for a while, before turning around and kissing him.

They stayed in the shower a few more minutes as they caught their breath, the warm water washing the sweat off their bodies. Cora had her eyes closed, clinging to Cassian’s frame, her nose touching the skin on his neck. He used the same standard shower gel everyone on base used, but somehow it smelled different on his skin. She sighed, content.

“Do you want to get back in bed?” he said softly in her ear, turning the water off.

“Yeah,” she sighed, content.

Cassian broke away from the embrace long enough to find a towel and drape it over Cora’s shoulders. She smiled when he started drying her hair, she liked it when he took care if her. In exchange, she grabbed the edge of the towel and started patting some of the water dripping off his chest.

“When did you come back?” she asked, running her fingers over his skin along with the towel.

“Yesterday night.”

“How did your mission go?” He passed the edge of the towel over her cheek wiping a drop of water and then kissed the spot. He was silent and his face had gone back to the usually unreadable mask he was wearing in public, so Cora knew not push. “How’s your hand?” she asked instead.

“Pretty good, I’d say.” He lifted his arm to let her look. The injuries he’d gotten on Samarkand had healed properly, especially since he’d been given time to rest. The other good thing about him being grounded—apart from spending a lot of time with Cora—was that he’d been given time for his injuries to properly heal. But even so, injuries like that might still hurt from time to time.

“I’m glad,” she said, kissing his wrist.

Once they were both relatively dry he started looking through the closet for a change of clothes. Cora huffed, a little disappointed. She didn’t mind looking at him walk around butt naked all day long, but she guessed it was time for them to get dressed. She smiled when he handed the neatly stacked pile of clothes to her.

“I hope these fit you,” he said. “Yours are still damp. I’ll put them in a laundry bag and take them to the cleaners in the morning.”

“Thank you,” she said, putting on a shirt that barely covered her ass, and leaving the rest on the nightstand. She’d probably have to walk to her room dressed in his clothes, but if she left early enough no one would see her. Not that she cared if anyone knew about her and Cassian, but she didn’t want it to look like she was parading their relationship. “I didn’t know you were back. If I’d known I wouldn’t have…” The words died down when she tried saying them out loud. “I’m sorry that you had to see me like that,” she said, looking away, but Cassian’s hand cupped her chin and made her look up at him.

“Hey, it’s okay. There’s nothing to apologize for.” He kissed her, pulling her close to his chest. “Everyone has bad days. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more for you.”

“You listened to my drunken ramblings, that’s enough for me.” She rested her head on his still naked shoulder, breathing in the scent of his skin.

“Don’t say that. It wasn’t just that,” he said, frowning slightly.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she sighed. “But I still shouldn’t have unloaded on you. You have enough things to worry about as it is.”

“I’ll always listen if you want me to. But I might not be the best equipped to help you.”

Cora lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him. He seemed worried, the crease between his eyebrows pretty visible. She sighed. This was one of the reasons she hated talking about her past, because it always made people worry about her mental health and it annoyed her. Although most of the time she knew they only wanted the best for her, it always sounded patronizing. They never took into account that she was a doctor and she knew how to treat herself.

“I’m fine,” she said dryly, breaking out of his embrace, his touch suddenly overstimulating. “You don’t need to worry about me. I just needed to get drunk, blow some steam, get some things off my chest. I’ll be as good as new this time tomorrow. No more sulking, back to work!” She forced her face into a smile, but it wasn’t genuine. She turned her back to him and headed for the bed, hoping that he would drop the issue.

“Please,” he said, stopping her from advancing my snaking his arms around her chest and pulling her close, “don’t take it the wrong way. I just think you’d feel better if you’d talk to someone.”

“Yeah, I just did.” She tried escaping this embrace too, but as gentle as it felt, he was immovable. “And I feel better, so thanks for that.”

He was silent for a few moments, as if he was considering what to say. Cora could feel the tension in both of them, her own breathing resounding so loudly in the quiet room.

“I just don’t think self-medicating is the solution,” he eventually said, and Cora turned her head to look at him with a frown on her face.

“You know what, I really don’t feel like taking health advice from someone who slaps a bacta patch on a blaster wound and calls it a day,” she said, harshly.

Cassian dropped his arms and took a step back, and Cora felt out of balance without his warm chest pressed against her. It felt cold in more than one way. “I just thought you’d be more sensible than me,” he said, coldly, putting on a pair of boxers and climbing in bed.

Cora sighed and quickly followed, slipping into bed next to him before he got the chance to turn his back to her. She hated arguing with Cassian, but no matter how hard they tried, sometimes they still butted heads. His arm around her back and the kiss on her forehead told her that he wasn’t really mad. And neither was she. But it really pissed her off when people assumed that she wasn’t holding it together. She could handle this by herself, she’d done it for years and was still functional and didn’t like anyone poking their nose into her life and giving her advice. She knew what she had to do, she’d gone to medical school for this.

“Listen,” she said, propping herself onto her elbow, her tone a lot softer than before. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I know you mean well, but I’m fine, honestly. I don’t want you to worry. I hate it when you worry.”

“What’s wrong with me worrying?” he said, frowning.

“That’s my job!” Cora brushed away a few strands of hair from his forehead.

“Then what would my job be?”

“I’m not sure, but you could start by kissing me.” Cassian’s face relaxed into a smile. He grabbed her waist and pulled Cora on top of him, making her straddle his hips. “Oh, you want me to do all the work? On my day off?” He was starting to get hard once again, she could feel him, but she didn’t mind going for another round.

She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was still so early it could be considered ‘late’, but she wasn’t feeling tired at all. Maybe it was the alcohol still in her veins (she doubted that her body had managed to filter it all so soon) or maybe because she blacked out early in the evening, or the shower, or the sex, but she felt really invigorated. She hated that she wasted a day off drinking her problems away when she could have spent it with Cassian, but there was nothing she could do about that now.

“Do you have to be at work tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, and for half a second he looked really dejected. Maybe he’d wished they could have spent a whole day together too.

“Can’t you take a day off?” she asked, a little unsure. She knew his work was crucial for the Rebellion, but she didn’t really know what it entailed. “I know a doctor who would give you medical leave if you asked nicely,” she added with a wink.

“You’d do that for me?” he asked, seeming really amused by the thought.

“Of course not,” Cora snorted. “I wouldn’t tarnish my good name giving you fake medical leave. But I know Doctor Crane would.” Cassian laughed and pulled at the hem of the shirt Cora was wearing, prompting her to take it off. “Well, that didn’t stay on long,” she joked, throwing it on the floor.

The way Cassian was looking at her, like he hadn’t seen her stark naked just a little while back, was already making her hot. The smirk in the corner of his lips as his hands went to her hips, caressing her sides was making her belly squirm. She was idly rubbing her crotch against his cock, teasing him, making him grow harder with every roll of her hips.

She leaned down, kissing him lazily. “I missed you,” she whispered against his lips and kissed him harder, not letting him say anything in reply.

He pressed his cock against her crotch, eliciting a gasp from Cora. She tangled her hands into his hair, deepening the kiss as he pulled her closer, her breasts pressing into his chest. His skin feeling hot against hers. His fingers on her back were gently tracing her scar, the skin still a little more sensitive than the rest, despite the bacta patches she kept putting on it.

She sat up, prompting him to lift his hips enough for her to be able to push his boxers down his hips, revealing his cock. She slowly sunk down on him, moaning as he filled her up, enjoying the familiar feeling of him stretching her out.

It was lazy and almost completely involuntary the way their bodies moved together, but they fit so well. There was no urgency, no pressure. Cora was setting the pace while Cassian was looking at her with heavy lidded eyes, his hands on her thighs. He wasn’t trying to rush her, he just caressed her skin gently.

His touch felt so good. He was caring and gentle, and he seemed to really want to slow down and savor the moment. Cora loved it. She’d been so used to rushed sex in dark, cramped corners, that only now was she learning what it felt like to really enjoy your partner, to take the time to know them. To feel them deeper, on a spiritual level.

Because on the physical level, she was already pretty close to paradise. She didn’t know what exactly about Cassian made her so easily aroused, but she was thankful. She got to experiment intimacy and human closeness to another level. She got to look him in the eye as she came, clutching onto his shoulders for support, trembling slightly from the intensity of it all. Then got to feel him tense and fall apart in her hands once he found his own release.

She collapsed next to him, her nerves on fire. She laid on her back for a few minutes, her arm covering her eyes, enjoying the feeling of lethargy that came after a good orgasm. Cassian was silent next to her, still catching his breath, but the silence was a comfortable one.

However, he was overthinking. She could easily tell, once she turned her head to look at him, by the serious expression on his face and the gaze glued to the ceiling. She snuggled closer to him, trying to figure out what was wrong..

“I know that frown,” she said, bringing her hand to his forehead, trying to gently brush away the crease. “What’s bothering you? Is it top secret work stuff?” she asked, but he didn’t reply right away. Moments like these happened on occasion and although Cora would ask, she’d usually get a vague answer.

“I was just thinking about what you told me last night.” He was still looking at the ceiling and Cora sighed. “Do you remember everything you said?”

The jerk knee reaction was to avoid talking about this altogether, but she realized that he deserved more than silence after she subjected him to her drunken confessions. “I think so? I think I blacked out at the end, but everything until that point is still somewhat clear.”

“Do you remember asking me if I’d have to report back on this?” he asked, tilting his head just enough to be able to glance at her. Cora’s heart skipped a bit. Yeah, she remembered that very well.

“I do,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I know I put you in a difficult position,” she forced the words out of her mouth, “and I’m sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“No,” he said, full of determination. “You needed someone to talk to and it’s my job as a… it’s part of my job to listen.”

“Reporting back is also part of your job,” she said trying hard not to sound dejected. “You shouldn’t have to be put in the position to choose between me and the Rebellion.”

“What?” He propped himself onto an elbow to look at her. “Who said I had to choose between anything?”

Ok, she realized she was being a little overdramatic, but it kinda felt like that. She knew what withholding information could do to someone in the military and considering how much Draven hated her, siding with her might very well end Cassian’s career.

“I don’t have to choose between anything,” he continued, but the apologetic expression on his face made her heart sink. “But I will have to ask if you’d be willing to let me report on some of the things you said yesterday.” The moral battle Cassian was fighting was written all over his face, and Cora hated that she was the cause for it.

“Yeah,” she replied, and felt surprisingly relieved by it. As time passed she’d gotten more involved in the Rebellion and she’d started to feel the pressure of the things she knew and didn’t divulge. She wasn’t sure she had any information they might consider useful, but she still felt like she wasn’t being totally honest. “As long as you leave out the… circumstances in which you got the information.”

“Of course.”

“What do you think is of interest?” She doubted Draven had use for any details regarding her childhood trauma or Admiral Enoch’s bad parenting.

“Anything you might know about Krennic. And Galen Erso.”

Hearing Krennic’s name brought out a new wave of anger, but she had no objection in telling him everything she knew. She’d be very happy if anything she told them could eventually contribute to his demise. The bastard deserved it.

“I don’t know much about Krennic,” she said. “He worked, well, still works with my father I suppose, but I wouldn’t call them friends. I think they were somewhat closer when my mom was alive, I think, or I might have seen him often because I was living on Corinthia, but as I grew up we’d only really meet at formal events. I wish I could tell you more, but I don’t really know much.”

“It’s alright,” he said with a long, heavy kiss on her temple, that made her feel a little better. “What can you tell me about the report on your mother’s death? The project she was working on?”

That sent an unpleasant shiver down her spine and she pressed herself closer to his chest. His voice had the same sharp tone he used for interrogations such a long time ago, but Cora dismissed it as job conditioning. Somehow it sounded weird, considering that they were both naked and they’d just had sex. But now that she thought about it, he would have had a better chance of loosening her tongue when she was imprisoned if he would have thoroughly fucked her before getting to the questioning.

“Hmmm… I’m not sure I have much valuable information about that. I was more interested in what it said about my mom, didn’t care as much about the technical details. But I could try and write down for you everything I remember? My mind is really hazy right now.”

“Don’t worry about it now,” he said. “We can talk about it another time, okay? You’d better try to get some sleep. It’s still early.”

“I’m not tired,” she said, looking at the clock and scrunching her nose. “Yeah, we’ll talk another time,” she said, resting her head on his chest and yawning, despite her previous statement. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know,” she continued, “but I don’t want Draven interrogating me. I don’t like him, he doesn’t like me, and it would just end up in a fight. I’d rather you ask the questions.”

“Of course,” he said, and she could feel his arm around her shoulders tense a little. “I wouldn't let Draven be shit to you anyway. I’m sorry for ever letting him do that to you. But things have changed since then.”

“Yes, a lot of thing have changed,” she agreed. They they weren’t enemies for one, and they weren’t strangers either. She felt like she’d grown a lot since she’d met him, and she was really thankful that he’d barged into her life and changed it completely.

While in the beginning the only thing Cora wanted was to save her skin, gradually she’d gotten more and more invested in the Alliance’s cause. And it wasn’t just because she was in love with Cassian or for her friends’ sake, or because she felt guilty for her and her family’s contribution in this war; no, she was doing it because she knew this was the right thing to do. She wasn’t trying to run anymore, not from herself, not from her father or the Empire.

She knew that Cassian had played a huge role in this. It wasn’t just her love for him, but he inspired her to be better, to fight for what she believed in and to help the ones she cared about. He was the main reason she’d stayed on base even when it had gotten hard and the only thing she’d wanted to do was to give up and run. He’d been her pillar. Somehow, her love for him had made her braver.

“I know this isn’t an excuse,” he said, and Cora could feel the uncertainty in his voice, “I know I shouldn’t have acted the way I did anyway, but It feels even worse now that we’re… here.” He pulled her a little closer, and Cora hugged his chest. “I wouldn’t have done that if I’d ever thought… But I never dreamed that we’d end up… here.”

“You mean, in your bed?” Cora asked with a cheeky grin on her face, tilting her head to look at him.

“Well, yeah,” he said with a breathy laugh.

“What? You didn’t think we’d end up dating?” she said and her heart skipped a beat, so she tried hiding her nervousness behind a joke. “You didn’t like my flirting style? Insults work every time.” Cassian laughed, his chest vibrating under her fingers.

“No,” he said, brushing a stand of hair from her face, his eyes a bit melancholic. “I didn’t think we’d end up dating.” She didn’t remember ever hearing him talk about dating before, and it both excited and scared her. Maybe things had really changed. And maybe it was time they both acknowledged it. “I’d hoped… not at first, but as time passed, I’d hoped we could...maybe.” He laughed, passing a hand over his eyes. “Never thought it would actually happen.”

Cora shifted so that now she was laying on his chest, looking directly at him. “Why not?” she asked, genuinely surprised. She hadn't known if he liked her for some time, but she was pretty sure that she’d been pretty damn obvious about it.

“I don’t know,” he said, brushing his thumb over her cheek. “I guess I’ve just thought I’d always be alone.”

“Well, you’re not alone now,” she said, smiling, kissing his chest above his heart.

“No, I’m not.” He smiled back, tangling his fingers into her hair, holding her close, his arms tightening around her in a protective gesture.

He seemed a bit lost in thought for a while, so Cora settled back into his embrace. It was uncommon for him to talk about himself and what he felt, especially when it involved relationships. But he’d also brought her to his quarters, and even though she could argue that it was just for the sake of convenience, it was still a step forward. He’d slowly, but progressively opened up to her as time passed.

“About this...” he eventually broke the silence, but didn’t finish the idea.

“About what?” she asked, lifting her head to look him in the eye. He seemed a little flustered, but Cora blamed it on the poor light playing tricks on her perception.

“About us?”

A shiver ran down Cora’s spine and she couldn’t really tell if it was a good or a bad feeling. “What about us?”

“Have you thought where this is going?”

She shrugged. “Not really. Forward I suppose?” She had no idea what prompted this whole conversation about their relationship and it was so out of the blue that it scared her a little. Usually these things ended up in a breakup—or at least that’s what she assumed—but there hadn’t been any signs that he might have been thinking about a breakup. She was a little confused. “Are you trying to ask me if I thought about our future?” she pressed, seeing as he didn't seem willing to share what he was thinking.

“Yeah.” He let out a relieved breath. “Do you ever think about our future?”

“Yeah. Sometimes.” She shrugged. “The future in general doesn't look very bright, but I don't know, you give me hope that there might be light at the end of the tunnel after all. Does that sound sappy?” she asked with a smile, and Cassian pressed a kiss on her forehead.

“No, it's not sappy. I think…” A insistent knock knock the door made him forget what he was saying. “Wait here,” he told her, climbing out of bed and putting on a pair of boxers and a shirt.

Cora sat up on the bed, wrapping herself in a sheet and trying to stay as far away from the door as possible. She watched him open it, the light pouring in from the hallway almost blinding. She couldn’t hear what they were talking, but the hushed conversation had a note of urgency that made Cora’s stomach contract painfully.

When he came back, he didn’t return to the bed, instead taking out some clothes from the closet and starting to get dressed. It seemed this was the abrupt end to their peaceful night spent together. Cora sighed, but she was resigned. This was his job, after all.

“That doctor’s note won’t do much good now, would it?” she asked, hopping off the bed and hugging Cassian from behind.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her over his shoulder. “No, I have to go.” His voice was serious and a little sad.

“Did anything bad happen?”

“I don’t know,” he said, looking down and fidgeting with the buckle of the trousers he was holding in his hand. “I just have to go check something.”

Cora knew she wasn’t going to get more information than that, so she didn’t push it. But she couldn’t deny the sinking feeling that something terrible was about to happen. “I have a bad feeling about this,” she said, resting her forehead on his shoulder.

“Hey,” he said, turning around and holding her in his arms. “Nothing bad’s gonna happen. It’s just a routine mission,” he tried reassuring her, but she knew he was lying—none of his missions were ‘routine’. She smiled nonetheless. “I’ll cook for you when I come back,” he promised, tilting her head so he could kiss her.

“You better!” she said, stealing a couple more kisses. She was going to miss him, like she did every time he was away.

“You should stay here today, get some sleep,” he said, breaking the embrace to scribble a four-digit number on a piece of paper. “This is the access code, in case you wanna go in and out.”

Cora took the slip of paper and stared at it. “What if I make a mess in your absence?” she joked, trying to break the tension, but her voice sounded sad, even to her own ears.

“It needs some cleaning anyway,” he chuckled and went back to dress himself.

She watched in silence as he hurriedly got dressed, holding the sheet close to her body. Her heart ached thinking that in only a few minutes he’d be gone and only the gods could know what he was going to get himself into. She wanted to hug him tight, kiss him until her lips hurt, and tell him she loved him; ask him not to go, to stay a little longer. But she knew that wasn’t possible. So instead he kissed him lightly, taking a good look at him.

“Take care,” she whispered, his hands heavy on her hips as he held her to his chest, the jacket of his uniform feeling rough under her fingers. “Come back safe. I’ll be waiting for you.”

There was a determined look on his face as he nodded and kissed her one last time, before saying goodbye and taking his leave. The blast doors closed behind him, and Cora was left standing in the middle of his room, clutching a piece of paper in her hand.

She considered getting dressed and leaving his quarters right away, hoping there would be less people to witness her walk of shame in Cassian’s clothes, but then decided that she’d rather follow Cassian’s advice and get some sleep. After all, nobody really seemed to care about what her and Cassian were doing, because although she’d been scared of rumours being spread, no one seemed to be talking. Or at least, they seemed to be able to hide it from her, which was the only thing she asked for.

She yawned, stretched her aching muscles, and crawled back into the bed that still held some of Cassian’s warmth and fell asleep almost instantly. She woke up a few hours later, with a hangover.

Not the mother of all hangovers, no, but her stomach still did a double flip when she climbed out of Cassian’s bed. The clock on the nightstand showed that it was almost noon. She only slept that long after a night shift, but if she thought about it, the fatigue level was comparable. She lazily went to the bathroom and then got dressed. What would happen if someone knocked on Cassian’s door, she wondered, only to find her half dressed in his clothes, in the middle of his room.

Right now almost everyone must have been crowded in the mess hall, leaving the hallways deserted, so it might be the best time to leave unseen. Alternatively, she could spend the whole day napping and rummaging through Cassian’s things and leave at night, but her stomach was rumbling and even though right now it was just disgruntled from the excess of alcohol, she knew that at some point she’d have to eat.

She opened the door and was hit in the face by the light coming from the hallway. Her eyes started seeing stars and she could sense the imminent onset of a headache. She groaned and almost went back inside, but instead let the doors close behind her and headed for the med bay.

She looked at her reflection in the glass doors: she was a mess. She looked like a ghost, and a very unhealthy one, with dark circles under her eyes, dry skin and lifeless hair. But what else could she expect after drinking so much? She liked the clothes though. They didn’t fit her properly, after all Cassian wasn’t the same size as her, but he still managed to find something that she could wear out in public for whatever long it took her to go down a few levels. She didn’t even mind the laundry bags she was carrying—the least she could do to pay him back was to drop them at the washer’s.

She sneaked into the med bay hoping no one would see her raid the medicine cabinet. Not that she was doing anything illegal, but she really didn’t want to give any explanations, especially to Aidan, who was covering her shift for the day. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be anyone in sight.

“Party hard last night?” she heard Dr. Crane’s voice from behind her, and her heard almost broke out of her chest. How could these people walk so silently?

“It wasn’t a party, but it was definitely hard,” she groaned, picking a tonic and some painkillers from the cabinet. This was going to make her feel better, she hoped. Only after Dr. Crane started snickering did she realize what she’d said. “The drinking I mean,” she laughed, embarrassed.

“Of course, of course,” the doctor laughed. “I like your style this morning,” he said, and Cora could feel her cheeks starting to burn. “Cassian’s uniform suits you.”

“Well,” she mumbled, closing the cabinet and getting ready to leave the galaxy, “accidents happened.” She lifted the laundry bags, but she had no idea what he got from that, nor did she care, she just wanted to be back in her room, away from people, nursing her hangover. “I’ll be off, then,” she said with a goofy smile, heading for the door.

“Make sure to eat something,” he yelled after her, but Cora just waved goodbye, before nearly colliding with Aidan who seemed to be returning from lunch.

“Morning,” she said on a high pitched tone. It really wasn’t the best day to keep bumping into people, but it was her fault for trying to sneak into dangerous places.

“Morning? It’s noon,” he laughed, but she could feel him eyeing her suspiciously.

“I have no excuse,” she shrugged and hurried out of there, before he could ask her about her disheveled state.

She almost ran back to her quarters, but luckily didn’t bump into anyone else on the way to the underground level. The adrenaline seemed to boost the hangover symptoms, so she drank the tonic and a painkiller, hoping for the best.

She changed into her own clothes after taking a quick shower, planning to spend the rest of the day until dinner huddled in blankets, reading something on her datapad, when she heard a knock on her door. She groaned, hoping it wasn’t an emergency, because drinking the night before had really taken a toll on her.

“Good afternoon, Doctor Enoch,” one of the soldiers greeted her. The serious look on his face sent a shiver down her spine. “Senator Mothma has requested your presence in the war room.”

“Is it an emergency?” Cora asked, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end. She wondered if she should change into her medical uniform.

“I don’t know,” he replied with a shrug. “I haven’t been told anything. But it seemed a bit urgent.”

“Alright,” she said, and stepped out of her room, the blast doors closing behind her. “Lead the way.”

She kept biting her lip on the way up, anxiety growing with every step she took. The feeling that something bad was about to happen was once again overwhelming, and Cora had to make a superhuman effort to keep a straight face.

The war room was full of people, but none of them paid any attention to her walking in. Last time she’d walked in there was a group of people waiting for her to be interrogated. This time their eyes were glued to different screens and no one stopped what they were doing, not even to say hello. She felt a shiver run down her spine.

“Doctor Enoch,” Mon Mothma said, coming into her line of sight followed closely by Draven. “We’re sorry to have demanded your presence on your day off, but we’ve been told that you might have some information on Galen Erso.”

---

Masterlist in bio

[galacticbugman]

My Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World Top Ten List of  Prehistoric Creatures

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So as some of you may know that I am a crazy Jurassic Park fan. I love the movies and I love the books. I thought it would be a pretty cool idea to post what my favorite dinosaurs are. I have a lot of favorite Dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park fandom but what are they? Let us dive into it. So get ready we are taking a short tour through the wilds of Isla Nublar and Isla Sorna for these favorites. Buckle up the the Jeep Wrangler is moving. These are not my photos but are stock and belong to their rightful owners. Spoilers ahead so watch out! If you have not seen the film turn back now you have been warned. 

Number 10: The Stegosaurus 

To begin my list of my favorite Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World Dinosaurs is this beast which was showcased in the search for Sarah scene in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. This is on my list for it was the first time we saw a plant eater attack a human in the series on screen. This attack was provoked by Sarah Harding as she was photographing the baby Stego in the nest. Her camera goes wonky and scares the baby and it alerts the family. Two big ones come from out of nowhere and start to attack Sarah by trying to swipe her with their large Thagomizers. She is almost killed but the massive tail spikes miss and she is left to live for another day. This was always one of the favorite parts for me in the Lost World for it was the first and only time we see a plant eater attack a human in the original trilogy. You don’t really see any other animal that is a vegetarian try to attack anyone. So this one kind of stands out there as one of the more interesting attacks in the Jurassic Park franchise movie wise. It is also one of the best designed and one of the coolest opening dinosaurs in the franchise. Lets let the heard move on and got down the road shall we. 

Number 9:  Ptranodon 

The Ptranodon is one of the most under used Dinosaurs in the movies until you get to the third and fourth Jurassic movie. However in the first book there is a giant bird cage scene that we eventually got to see in the Jurassic Park /// film. This is a favorite of mine. The bird cage scene is one of the best scenes in the third JP film which many of us think was pretty clunky in some parts. I think it was much better than Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom in some aspects. This scene was one of those redeeming qualities in my opinion. In the book Alan Grant, Tim and Lex enter the bird cage and get attacked. In the film it is Alan, Eric, Mr. Kirby, Amanda Kirby, and Billy who wind up getting attacked. It is a terrifying sight but the design of these are pretty cool and just the sheer terror of this scene gives me chills. The photo of this is part of that scene where Billy is being swept down stream and this guy looks at the survivors like “your next!” this part always sends shivers up my spine for some reason. It is just one of those scary moments that shouldn’t really be that scary. I did like them in the Jurassic World scene but their design is not as good as these guys. So I am adding this one as a JP Win instead of a Jurassic World win because even though I liked that movie these looked the most real in my book. This is a much darker and more intense scene for me than the birds escaping the bird cage in Jurassic World. You may have another opinion but this is mine right here. Lets move on. 

Number 8: Procompsagnathus AKA Compys! 

 These little buggers spell trouble! They are one of the scariest little terrors on Isla Sorna. Introduced to the franchise in the Jurassic Park Novel by Michael Crichton. These guys were set up to be used for waist management. These are the first to escape to the main land and attack a few people including a little girl playing on the beach of Costa Rica. That scene was first seen in The Lost World: Jurassic Park but it was in the opening of the Jurassic Park Novel. These guys will jump on you and not let go. Deter Stark learned this the hard way. After getting lost to pee in the woods he falls down a hill after getting turned around after one pops up and scares him. He is soon swarmed not once but twice and getting torn up. They bite him from all angles and dig into his flesh with their claws. Hammond in the novel was given the same treatment. After falling down a hill after grousing about the failure of the park and hiring all the wrong people and thinking about firing all the original park operatives and wanting to make a new park he falls down and hill and meets a similar demise. These guys are one of my favorites because at first they look kind of cute like a few other Jurassic Park dinos. They look like they mean you no harm but if you tick them off then that is when they get you. karma on Jurassic Park does work. You can’t be stupid in Jurassic Park and if you are a smart-alek or just a plain jerk then best beware Karma on Jurassic Park comes in many forms and in some cases it comes in shades of green. 

Number 7: Blue 

  I am a sucker for Raptors and Blue is only my third favorite in the series. Her relationship with Owen is something that was never explored in any concept in the original films or the first two novels. This is a very interesting concept and makes for an interesting story. Some people maybe against what they are doing in the new films but I kind of like the new ones for they broaden the horizon of the story of Isla Nublar’s animals. Blue is a cool Velociraptor and almost has a human like quality of emotions. She trusts Owen and no one else. She is pretty cool and when it comes to defending Owen and his crew. She is one cut above the rest and not just a blood thirsty monster like the other raptors of Isla Nubar and Isla Sorna. She is alright in my book but kind of falls short. I have nothing against her if that is what you are saying she is smart and one heck of a clever girl in the long run. 

Number 6; The Indominous Rex

Okay so now we are in hybrid territory and this guy is the only Hybrid that I really thought was interesting. The Indoraptor was kind of a retread in my book. It was just the Indominous in a different wrapper. This original Hybrid is the one that I really thought was pretty cool. It just comes to show how unhinged animals built in a lab can be. This sucker was completely hostile and would kill anything for fun. It was kind of sad that she really had no clue what to do she was just trying to survive and learn where she belonged in the food chain. She was quite the fighter and was a brutal monster. Her abilities reminded me of a few of the concepts from the original Michael Crichton novel. The Velociraptor that Ellie Sattler finds that could change color and the Carnotaurs that could blend to their surroundings could be the big inspiration pieces to creating this guy. That is just my theory anyway. I am a huge fan of the books so when ever I talk about a dinosaur I always try to mention the novel’s connection with said animal and why it may be like that. I am not one to criticize a Jurassic Park film for all of the parts to the novels are there on screen throughout all of the movies just told a little differently and this monster is just one of those things that I found very neat. 

Number 5: Stiggy 

Used for a more comical effort this guy was actually pretty cool. He was one of my favorite dinosaurs from the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom film. This guy caused chaos and confusion in the very little screen time film. Again with a vegetarian that attacks people. This attack was not really intentional just more accidental in my book. This guy just runs amok and throws chairs and people every which way just for the heck of it. To be very honest this film was very wild with some of the comical stuff like the Indoraptor smiling just before ripping off Ken Wheatly’s arm and then killing him. This one I would count as comedic but it is more Jurassic Park style I guess. This one was a fun one though and has really grown in popularity in the fandom. I have to admit he has a certain personality to him. He comes off kind of cute and a little clumsy at times. ]

Number 4: The Brachiosaurus 

Going back to the original movie and the very sad part of the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom which included this animal is the Brach from 1993. This guy is the one intro Dinosaur that has really stuck with me and like most of us gave us the best exposure to what we were baring witness too during the first Jurassic Park movie. This is almost as Iconic as Rexy herself. This guy is number four for it had to be on the list somewhere. You just can’t forget the one dinosaur that all gave us the big reactions given by Alan Grant, Ian Malcolm, Ellie Sattler, and Donald Gennaro. It gave us and reaction of our own that this movie was going to rock. This one has always stuck with me and when it died in Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom after director J.A. Bayona said it was this one a little part of me just died inside. It was very sad even though it was not a real creature it was still a big part of the Jurassic Park series but as they say some eras must come to and end and the Jurassic Park era is no more. Welcome to Jurassic World I guess. As sad as it makes me to say that some legends still live on like Rexy from Jurassic Park (1993). So some things just don’t die to easy. Rexy is the most resilient of any of the dinosaurs. 

Number 3: Rexy (Tyrannosaurus Rex) 

Speaking of her majesty! I give you the Queen of the Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World Saga. She has always had a pretty lasting impression on all of us as fans of the Jurassic franchise. This female Rex has stood the test of time in her world gaining a lot of battle wounds over the time of five films soon to be six in 2021 with Jurassic World 3. I have to say she is only third on my list for she maybe iconic but sometimes even the poster children can’t win them all. Still she is pretty high on the list. I love the book and movie versions of this particular dinosaur. In the novel there is a second Rex which is younger than she and is a little more clumsy with a puppies gate. She on the other hand is tough and the young rex knew to stay away from her. In the movie who could forget the “Main Road” scene that first introduced us to her. In the book she is actually seen the first time they arrive to the T-rex Paddock as she eats the goat. The main road is almost the same with a character running out of a car after peeing their pants and totally freaking out with a few differences. Rexy has saved the hides of many a Jurassic Park visitor but I don’t think it was totally on purpose. She is one that always is always going to get the big reaction and I have been very sad that she has kind of been over shadowed by Blue in the recent films and has only been used in only a handful of scenes in the newer chapters of the franchise. Still she outdoes blue anytime. Sorry but she was here first my friends. 

Number 2: The Tiger Striped Velociraptors and the Original Raptors of Jurassic Park and The Lost world: Jurassic Park. 

I count these as one for they are all in the same category. Both of these Raptor clans gave us some of the biggest jump scares in the first two movies. I was not a very huge fan of the ones with the quill in Jurassic Park ///. The original raptors showed us what real terror was like. In the original novels they are just as terrifying and will stop at nothing to rip you to bits. In some cases that is exactly what they are good at. They are almost like the Compy packs but much bigger with bigger teeth and bigger claws. You have to be super smart to out think and fox these guys. The Tigers are my favorite for we see just how their social orders go in just that small scene where they are at the gas station near the worker complex where Nick Van Owen was trying to get a chopper called to pick up the remaining survivors. All the raptors are the top predators of the Jurassic Park series. They have a complex social structure and are hard to bring down. They never give up and they seem to always be on the hunt. They are one of my top favorites for they are just that Clever Girls. I bet you are wondering what is my first over all favorite??? It is not the raptors and not Rexy. Lets take a look at number one.

Number 1: Dilophosaurus AKA Spitter 

This is my favorite dinosaur in the whole Jurassic Park series. I am very upset that this one has only been featured as an actual dinosaur in the first one. It has been eluded to in the last couple of films but that is not good enough. I want to see this one again. This guy is one of my favorites for its very personality. It is kind of cute one minute but then once angered it turns into a frilled nightmare lizard that shoots blinding poison at its target. This one is one of those scenes that give us that “Holy... Did you see that?!” Impression. The difference in this scene from the movie and the book is that in the book Nedry dies outside the Jeep in the movie its pretty much blocked out in the Jeep. The book gets really descriptive which sends shivers down my spine every time I read that. Still my all time favorite dinosaurs for its really interesting surprise attack mode. It is certainly a beautiful but deadly edition to Jurassic Park. 

There you have it my top ten Jurassic Park dinosaurs. Of course I do have a few honorable mentions such as the Mosasaur, Carnotaur, and of course the Certasaur that we only got a few seconds of which I think was a complete let down for that creature and I am not the only one who thinks that. Now I have a mission for you; tell me what your favorite JP dinosaurs are and why. Thank you very much I think we survived another travel through Jurassic Park. Until then I am Zachary AKA Galactic_Bug_Man and I will see you on the trail. 

[peacehopeandrats]

For Social Saturday: Were you ever a scout?

Yes, I was and it was a nightmare.

I went to a private school that had their own scouting groups and as a result was thrust into those groups by my mother, who insisted that every child everywhere had to be a scout. Never mind that most of the school /weren't/ scouts.

The other members were very uppity and didn't like that I didn't "belong" with private school folks, so they were always trying to get me into trouble. One year we went camping and my friend and I decided to stay in the cabin instead of going out and exploring the woods. It was close to dinner time and we figured it was better to just stay put. Well, I had to pee so we went to explore the grounds together and find the bathroom. With that done, we left and went back to the cabin. It was one of those cabins that has like 10 bunk beds in it. I met my friend up on their bunk and we were chatting and found a friendship bracelet left in the window.

We were amazed and came up with all kinds of stories about this bracelet. How it got there, was it from some secret admirer... We really got fancy with storytelling. Anyway, dinner was called and that was that. Next day we went home.

Later, one of the scouts told their mother that we were doing drugs in the bathroom because we had both gone in together and came out and were doing something secret up on the bunk.

For the rest of my school-aged life, almost all the way through high school, really... My family doctor kept telling me I had to let him know if I was on drugs. I was so pissed that my parents believed that shit so much that they had to tell the family doctor to regularly check for it.

Now, of course, I like Trainspotting. I'm sure my father turned in his grave at that one.

[marasheepblogs]

What I’ve Learned in Eight Weeks with My New Puppy

It’s been exactly 8 weeks since my husband and I first brought our puppy Winston home. Eight weeks doesn’t seem like a long time, but I honestly can't remember what it feels like not to have him in our lives.

Even though we experienced some difficulties in the beginning, Winston has been a truly amazing addition to our family. The past two months with him have taught me much about patience, perseverance, and better communication as we continue to build trust and a strong bond between us.

Making Him Safe and Comfortable in a New Environment

First we prioritized letting him get used to his new surroundings. We allowed him to explore the living room and patio while we watched him closely in case he decided to do something he wasn’t supposed to. We set up a playpen and a wire crate for his “room”. We lined the bottom of the playpen with a tarp and several puppy pads to protect our floor, and in the pen itself we put some toys, his water bowl, and his crate. The rest of our apartment we “puppy-proofed”, i.e., secured cords and small items that could choke him if swallowed, and put away anything that we didn’t want him to chew on or eat. We played with him and gave him lots of treats, so he would learn to trust us as his new “paw-rents”.

We also slept in the living room next to his playpen for the first few nights until he felt comfortable in his own area and would fall asleep without any trouble.

Realizing that a Puppy is Essentially a Baby

Potty training a puppy in an apartment that is almost completely covered in beige carpet soon became a chore. I’ve lost count of how many times I had to clean up yellow pee puddles with rolls of paper towels and carpet cleaning spray. I even stepped in poop with my bare foot while running out the door carrying Winston in my arms so he could finish doing his business outside. In hindsight these situations seem funny, but I was in tears after two days of repeatedly trying to get Winston to go potty outside and failing.

Eventually I learned to manage my feelings of frustration by realizing that my 10-week-old puppy was still learning about the right place to go to the bathroom, and that a puppy is really just a baby dog. It was pointless to be angry at him, just as it’s pointless to get angry at a human baby. If I wanted to teach Winston the appropriate place to go potty, I had to be the one to put in the work, and I had to be patient.

I quickly started a log of his activities to determine when he needed to pee or poop (and thus, be taken outside) and rewarded him with praise and treats if I managed to get him to eliminate in the right spot. Now he goes out the door on his own to go potty (and expects a reward after each successful pee or poop).

Self-Care is a Necessity

I’ve read multiple accounts of new pet owners feeling tired, frustrated, and regretting their decision soon after getting a young puppy. Some would spend all their free time playing with the puppy. Others would get upset because of the non-stop puppy biting, the difficulties of potty training, or the puppy getting sick with diarrhea and repeatedly making a mess in the crate (and on the floor, the walls, the carpet...).

These feelings of frustration and regret that sometimes come to new puppy owners have been dubbed the “puppy blues”. Just like any major life change, sometimes you experience unexpected setbacks and your vision of being with a fun little creature who loves you unconditionally isn’t the reality just yet.

With Winston, I felt the puppy blues while potty training him in the first week. After two days waking up every few hours at night to let him out to pee and spending all of his waking hours taking care of him, I started feeling overwhelmed. So every time he napped, I also took a nap, went to the gym or the mall, or just tried to do something else completely unrelated to him. A young puppy needs to sleep 18-20 hours per day, which means 18-20 (non-contiguous) hours that you can safely keep him in a room or a crate, and you can do your chores, go to sleep, go to work, exercise, watch a movie - literally do anything that can keep you sane and ready to take on the next hour with your new puppy.

Creating Boundaries While Treating Your Puppy with Respect and Kindness

Puppies are inquisitive creatures with boundless energy. They get to know their surroundings with their noses and their mouths. Just as we love to hug and pet Winston, he reciprocates by hugging us with his mouth full of sharp puppy teeth. He has broken skin on my hands, feet, and face. Still, I teach him not to bite (hard) by stopping play or putting him in a time out without getting angry. When I eventually do get upset, I calmly ask him to go to his crate and we both take a break from each other.

My husband and I are building trust between us and our puppy. If we yell at Winston for doing something he’s not supposed to, he won’t understand why because he doesn’t speak English. All he understands is our tone, and it might make him confused, scared, or worse, defensive and angry. But if we stay calm and correct our puppy’s behavior kindly by distracting him or taking him away from whatever bad thing he is doing, then he won’t associate any negative feelings with us.

Sometimes it is extremely difficult to stay calm with a puppy that frustrates you. Most recently, we were driving for two hours to visit family, and I was sitting in the back seat with Winston. For a while he wouldn’t stop biting me, and there was no way for me to avoid being bitten. I tried to distract him with the view outside, give him a toy to chew instead of my hands or face, and offered treats every time he stayed still, until eventually he got tired and calmed down.

Your Puppy Does Grow Up (and Out of His Bad Habits)

Winston is not my first puppy. I keep training and learning to communicate with him better because I know that he will grow up to be a great dog if I do. How do I know? My family adopted our dog Mister at four months old in August 2012. He cried at night, bit, peed in our beds and on the couch, got sick multiple times, but now he is a wonderful and well-adjusted dog. He sits with my family when they watch TV, sleeps in my sister’s bed, and tolerates little children as they pet his fluffy coat or hug his tiny body.

Even now, in just eight weeks, I see improvements in Winston’s behavior. In time, I know he will eventually stop biting and trying to eat everything in his path. Meanwhile, I still appreciate every little change for the better, and seeing glimpses of him behaving encourages me to keep working at raising him to become the dog that we’ve always wanted. 

[biggy-habes]

Jonny Haber’s Day Off (Part II)

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed. At peace. The exact opposite of the previous morning. I had the entire day ahead of me. In the back of my mind the dread of returning to work the next day lingered. I felt like I had to make the most of today. So I grabbed some hiking gear and loaded Fennie up in the backseat. We were heading to Letchworth Park. For those not familiar with this area, Letchworth is a state park about an hour away. It is respectfully known as the Grand Canyon of the East. The Genesee River cuts through it, creating beautiful cascading waterfalls. The weather was sunny and mild and perfect for a long hike. Still lethargic from yesterday's walk through the trails, Fennie slept practically the entire drive. But once we arrived at the entrance to the park, he perked up. As we drove through the winding turns, he kept his nose out the window. He could not wait to explore these new smells! I decided to start at the Lower Falls and work our way up. The trail leading to the river was a decent 3/4 mile hike. When we got to the water, Fennie started to pull hard. Now he has never been much of a fan of water. You would think that taking a bath was worse than when his nuts got snipped. He created a scene at the pet store that I take him for his baths. It was like he wanted the store employees to think that I waterboard him. For the record, I DO NOT WATERBOARD FENNIE! He just hates water! He makes the most pathetic look when he has to go as far as to go pee in the rain. But for some reason he REALLY wanted to check out this friggin water! The flowing river created waves on the shore that he felt were a threat and he needed to bite the SHIT out of them! He would never get in above his knees. Dogs DO have knees, don't they? Well, anyways, that is where the water was. But he would dip his face in the water in order to bite the crest of the waves. And I sat there watching him, and thought to myself "You malingering ASSHOLE!"

As we started venturing back, I started to remember how a group of us rugby players would head to an area like this in Stony Brook for the day to cook some meat and drink cheap beers. And it dawned on me that I was not too far from where I went to college. I haven't stepped foot in that area since I was still in the service. Fennie was starting to slow down and was panting pretty hard, so I felt that perhaps we could save the rest of the trails for another time. Instead, let's take a trip down memory lane. I always remember the drive to Alfred being peaceful and serene. College was a very confusing time for me and I would use the drive to contemplate my wants out of life. Driving through the farmland brought back the familiar country smell. Soon I could see the white steeple signifying that I was entering Alfred Station. I passed the banquet hall where the rugby team had their social. Past the packie that would sell me gallons of Skol vodka despite my shitty fake ID. Past the hill that I had to climb to get to my dorm at Alfred U. I came up to the old Delta Sig house,  which has since been taken over and painted pink. I banged a right and entered the campus that contained 2 of the greatest years of my life. Alfred State. Home of the muthafuckin PIONEERS! 

As I drove around the loop of the campus, the memories came in waves. The 77 steps leading to Peet Hall...a treacherous hike for any drunken resident. The gymnasium where I had decided to "toss the gloves" during an intramural hockey game and, not aware at the time that my target was on the wrestling team, I proceeded to get suplexed onto the floor. At the top of the hill stood the Mackenzie dorms. This is was my turf from 1997-1999. This is where I went through 4 roommates. This is where I met my good friend Ed (oh there will be more on Eddie in later stories. He is a character!) And this was where my friendship with Johnny ("Tits") and Matt ("Squirrel") began. After reminiscing for a bit I walked over to the track, location of the annual Naked Mile. I ran this twice. First time was as a rookie on the rugby team. All rookies were expected to run it. The 2nd time…well, that was just for shits and giggles. Young Haber LOVED to get drunk and run around naked! After walking around for a little bit I left Alfred State and decided that it was time to pay a visit to the old rugby field. Now you will notice that I mention rugby a lot in this story. Well, this is because rugby played a significant role in my college life. I have never been known for my athleticism. My grandfather was a 3 sport athlete at Boston College and went on to play a year as a center in the NFL. I inherited his size and his passion, but the athletic gene unfortunately did not get passed down to me. In High School I played football, taking the position that brought my grandfather fame. Although I was a Varsity starter both my Junior and Senior years, I will never be known as a stand-out player and the name "Haber" will never be uttered in the halls of Greece Arcadia. When I went to college, I had tossed around the idea of trying to make a spot on the football practice squad. But it never blossomed into more than that. One night, while waiting in line for a beer at the TG house, a large group of loud, brash guys in purple jackets walked straight in and went up the stairs to the 2nd floor with arms filled with beer. I did not know who they were, but they seemed like the kind of guys that I wanted to be part of. As they walked past me, I read the back of their bright purple jackets and in bold white lettering it read "ALFRED RUGBY". I followed them upstairs, where they gathered around a keg and proceeded to drink like there was no tomorrow. One of them, just a bit larger than myself and wearing a backwards purple hat, had been challenged to a chugging contest. When he heard the word "Go", he pinched his cup and in one complete gulp he finished his beer. I had never seen anything like that! So after he collected his High 5s from the other ruggers I went up to talk to him. I cannot tell you exactly what was said, but I remember telling him that I wanted to see what this whole "rugby" thing was all about. He told me to show up to practice on Monday. On the front of his beer-covered jacket in white stitching was the name "BooBoo". I give this guy credit for introducing me to one of the greatest experiences of my life. Now, just like with football, I was not a GREAT rugby player. I was big enough to play on the front row, but again, I would never describe myself as "athletic". Despite the fact that my conditioning was shit and my balance was on the same level as a 4 year old, my heart and my grit got me a position as a starter as a rookie. Now, let me tell you, being a rookie on the rugby team was tough! You come to rely on the bonds that you create with your fellow rookies. This is where I really became close friends with Tits and Squirrel.

 I started driving towards the outskirts of Alfred towards Jericho Hill, where the rugby field was. I drove past the practice field, where I was able to imagine all of us scrimmaging. Punk would be running into a crowd of bodies, turning to scream "GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND RUCK IT OVER, YOU FUCKERS!!!". Mild-mannered BooBoo would become possessed and would run through anyone brave enough to stand in his way. And Squirrel would be way out at the opposite end of the field, dropping any kick that would come his way. Jesus CHRIST he had some hands of stone! I turned down the gravel road leading up to the game field, and eventually I was able to see the purple covering of the goal posts. I let Fennie out of the car and as we started to walk around the field, I recalled me getting my ears taped on the sidelines. Me stepping foot on the pitch for my first rugby game. All of the hits. All of the scrums. All of the sweat and blood that soaked into the soil. The sound that is made when large bodies violently collide. The smell of mud, body odor, and processed alcohol seeping from pores filling the air. And then, a feeling of sadness and grief overcame me as I started to think about my friend Squirrel. It was time to pay him a visit. I have gone to see him since the funeral. I wiped the tears from my eyes and headed back to the car. It was coming up on 4:30. Plenty of time to go see my old friend.

 Mattie lived his entire life in the small town of Owego, NY. All his life he had wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and be a firefighter. I cannot tell you the number of times he would turn down an all-night binger because he was on call for the Volunteer Campus EMS. However, when he was not required to stay sober, he seldom was. Squirrel was loud and obnoxious, but he could easily become the life of the party. I never really saw him get angry. He was cool and easy going. Together, him and I wreaked havoc on Tits, never missing an opportunity to cut him down or pull a prank on him. One day we trapped him in a broom closet and proceeded to blow baby powder under the door until he agreed to go to the Rugby House (aka "The Alamo") for a party. He LOVED finding ways to get in trouble. He was not a very big guy, but that never stopped him from constantly talking shit. After leaving a party at TG (we spent A LOT of time there!!) he passed someone passing by with his girlfriend wearing a baggy white dress shirt. Squirrel turned and shouted "Hey, Jerry Seinfeld! Nice puffy shirt, ASSHOLE!" 

Squirrel's weakness was women. After hooking up with a girl at St. Bonaventure, her and her friend decided to make an impromptu visit. Later that night they took turns writing some of the funniest, most hateful shit in Sharpie on his door he had ditched her at a party. We spent the rest of the night scrubbing his door clean. After graduation we had all gone our separate ways, but we still managed to keep in touch. A couple of years later we met back up to play in the Alfred Rugby alumni game. As the years passed, the conversations became sparser. Squirrel went on to become a firefighter like he had always dreamed about. He became a husband and a father. When The Facebook became big we were able to reconnect and would share stories of our lives or talk about old memories. When Amanda and I were planning our wedding, Mattie was talking about flying to the Keys to attend the ceremony. And when all of that came crashing down, he would call me to make sure that I was hanging in there. I took one last look at the field that contained so many terrific memories. There will always be places where you just feel a sense of peace and reflection. It is a bit ironic that the pitch that hosted such ferocity on Saturdays would become such a place of contentment. As it turns out, another place of mine is the Arcadia football field house. When I would have my crackups in my 20s, my friend Schworm would always know that if I went missing, that is where he could find me. Anyways, I had to go. It was time to go pay my old friend a visit.

After Amanda and I split up I had taken a job in North Carolina. Still reeling from the difficult breakup, I had walked into the basement of the Research Department on a chilly, dreary day and sat down to take a few minutes to catch up on Facebook when I heard about Squirrel. There was a post regarding a fire in Owego during the night. There was a casualty. But no. It couldn't have been him. But I am sure that he must be pretty shaken up. I should probably try and reach out to him. Before I got the chance to, I was interrupted by a message from an old mutual friend, Wendy. Matt and Wendy grew up together. She let me know that the casualty was Squirrel. It did not process at first. That couldn't be right! He was a good firefighter! He was had a family! But then the reality started to set in. I went in to the office of the head of my department and explained what had happened and that I needed a couple of days off. That night I packed a suitcase, asked my father to let me borrow $200, and I drove through the night to New York. I shared a room at a run down Red Roof Inn with my friend Ed (my suite mate from college. Man, I cannot WAIT to get more into him some other time! He is a goddamn character!) So anyways, the next day me and Ed, who had become a volunteer firefighter and was decked out in his uniform, met up for breakfast with Tits and shared old stories over some eggs and bacon. I have not seen Ed in a few years, and Johnny for at least 20. We carried on like nothing had changed. We were missing the loud voice and dramatic flair of Squirrel. 

Now when I tell you that Mattie had died a hero, I am not sure if you quite understand. He was a loved and cherished member of his community. He had a tight group of friends. He did all that Dad shit. But he NEVER let that part of him that made HIM get away. He was still known for drinking a bit too much shitty beer and run his mouth any chance that he got. Owego is a very small town, and I think that everyone in that town was present to say their "Goodbyes" to Matt. There were Police, EMS, and Firefighters from Syracuse all the way to Pennsylvania there to pay their respects to their fallen brother. There were so many people there for his Last Call that they filled the auditorium and streamed it in the Gymnasium so that everyone was able to be present. The occasion was somber but the ceremonial pageantry was breathtaking. Squirrel had the tendency to be a bit of an asshole. But this was the ceremony that Mattie deserved. My old friend is my fucking hero. I love and I miss the fuck out of that guy!

I pulled into St. Patrick's Cemetery, and the part of me that grew up Catholic turned off the radio out of respect for the souls. It was not hard for me to find Matt's gravestone. Fennie was wiped out from all of the walking the past 2 days and he was perfectly content with sleeping in the backseat. I sat down in front of the gravestone marked Matthew Porcari. I talked to him like 19 year old Whimpy would talk to his fucking homey Squirrel. I caught him up on my life. I told him funny stories. About the death of my dad. And how I was struggling trying to cope with my grandmother's passing. And how much I fucking missed him. How I wanted to be sitting at a bar sharing these stories. I will never find a friend like him. He had the ability to be a complete jackass. But he was the guy that made you laugh and knew just what to say when life took a shit on you. He was the guy that would make sure that all of his buddies had a great time. He will always be my brother. I shed a few tears, and saw that the sun was starting to go down. I had a good 2 hour drive back to Rochester, so it was time to say "Goodbye" and that I would see him soon. 

By the time we got home Fennie and I were beyond exhausted. I had to return to work the next day. I was not sure what sort of reaction I would face. Despite the need for the time off to reflect on what has been happening in my life, I felt guilty for making my coworkers pick up the slack of my little break. And to be honest, I was embarrassed! A mental breakdown is never pretty. And to have it take place in your workplace, ON A GODDAMN CRISIS LINE, is not very cool. But when I got back to work, it was just another day. There were a few people who pulled me aside to ask if I was OK. And I truly appreciate that. I have to be honest, I work with an INCREDIBLE group of people. They were completely understanding. They could not believe that I was able to take all of this and still show up to work and do my job. I have been conditioned to take what life throws at me and find a way to absorb it and keep moving forward. However I never gave myself an opportunity to address it all. But being outside and in nature, just myself and my best friend-slash-companion-slash-Ryde or Die, it gave me a chance to process all that has happened and all that I have to look forward to. I did not take turning 40 very well. But it is gone. I am now looking at 41. It is time to figure out a way to get back to living. L-I-V-I-N-'. It is time to evaluate my relationships and my role in them. It is time to figure out the person that I am wanting to be. I have seen a lot of unbelievable people fade out of my life and a lot of them are never coming back. Some of them I can only talk to in spirit. I am not promised another 10 years. I am not promised another year. Is this the kind of person that I want to be remembered for? And if not, then what I am going to have to do to get to that person?

[eralynmae-blog]

Bukal Falls and Underground Cemetery 2K17

The countless number of people, the unbearable noise, and the endless pollution in the city can really tire a person out. So, it’s no wonder people not only in the city, but also people from other provinces explore the country and find amazing places where they can unwind, relax, and be carefree. Popular destinations are beaches, resorts, and even places that offer the most delicious delicasies. But, one of the most sought after vacation places are the ones nature can offer, and places once included in the Philippines’ history.

Let’s head over to the province of Laguna, and let me share with you one of the most enjoyable weekend I had.

It was a sunday, and we are to celebrate my friend’s birthday by having a swimming getaway to one of the falls offered by Laguna, my home: Bukal Falls, the enchanted river of Laguna. Bukal Falls is located in Majayjay, Laguna and is one of the most hidden jewels in the country. The falls is deeply hidden by many ornate trees at the foot of Mt. Banahaw. It is not only a waterfall, but also it is a natural spring. What I liked about the falls is that it is almost void of any human interference, and it offers the coldest and most refreshing water I’ve ever bathe in. 

The journey from my city to Majayjay was long and I woke up very early so we can get a head start to Majayjay. There was a bit of traffic, and it almost took us two hours of driving but it did not bother me because I was with my friends and we had a catch up with our lives since we were on our on-the-job training and we didn’t get to spend this summer term together. We had our internship in different companies (mine was in Pepsi-Cola Products) and it was fun to share what I had experienced so far. Truth be told, we didn’t really know how to get there so we had to use a very useful app called Waze. It’s a very good app for locating destinations in the country, and very accurate. I’m glad that there was an invention like this. 

Our first stop was the Underground Cemetery in Nacarlan, Laguna where we all agreed to meet for there were other people invited to the birthday celebration of my friend. After, we followed the celebrant’s car to Bukal Falls. To get there, we had to pass through Liliw, Laguna which is very known for creating slippers and shoes. It’s like a little Marikina in the south. Above the road we passed through were multiple colored umbrellas suspended on air and the locals showcased their merchandise of adorable slippers, step-ins, and shoes. It was very beautiful.

A very poor picture obviously, but this is a road in Liliw that we passed through.

Upon consulting with Waze, it is possible to use the app to get to Bukal Falls for those with private cars. For those who are commuting, I kindly suggest to research on the place and its location or sample itinerary on the internet :)

Upon arriving, the first thing to do was to go the Barangay Hall and pay a fee of twenty-peso (PHP 20) registration fee and to get a local to be your guide. I also recommend to rent a life jacket for only fifty-pesos (PHP 50) for those who are not good in swimming, just like me. Otherwise, you are good to go. 

The journey to the falls is very challenging. I suggest that you do a bit of cardio prior to your engagement, because if you just did a YOLO and thought you could do that trail easily like me, then you will suffer a whole lot of consequences. If you are on foot, the first part of the trail is concrete and you won’t have trouble with it. Unluckily, the concrete stops at a certain point and the rest of the trail is soil. It can get muddy and slippery, remem,ber that the trail is to go up a mountain then down, then up to the falls. If I remember correctly, the trail is about 2 km and 50 m up to the waterfalls. It was very hard, I got exhausted easily. My sweat were pouring down and I had forgotten a hair tie that would obviously made my life easier while going up and down that trail. The local guide was kind enough to give us stop overs, so we had time to catch our breath. There were tiangge’s along the way, but not entirely on the trail so it is advisable to pack food and water when going to the falls. 

There aren’t any bathrooms or shower rooms on the waterfall, so I advise you to pee/poop/change to your swimming attire at the barangay hall where there are comfort rooms available or the available shower room on the trail (with a PHP10 fee, by the way). Otherwise, bring a blanket to cover yourself while you change in the falls like I did. 

The trail was my first trek in my whole life and it was so difficult I felt like crying whenever I would feel my knees trembling or getting a bit dizzy because of my fear of heights, but when I got to the base of the waterfall all I can say was it was worth it. It was beautifu;, amazing, and instagram-worthy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get pictures of the trail because I was so focused on not tripping, not slipping, or not falling down the trail (matarik talaga siya, guys) that I can’t share any photos with you. 

The local guide told us that there were a lot of tourists so we can’t set up camp on the falls, instead we had to settle on one of the rocks at the base or the first level of the falls, which has a bamboo bridge that would cross you to the start of the climb of Bukal Falls. It was with all of us, so we settled on the rock formations and ate pur food like we were beggars (no offense meant), because the trek to that base was so exhausting. I suggest to bring wide plastics, or anything you can use as a sapin, for your belongings so it would not get wet like we did. And to bring garbage bags so we can all preserve the natural beauty of the place. It is our responsibility to practice the “Clean as you go” habit. 

After that wonderful rest, we proceeded to put on our life jackets, and start the 50 meter trek to the falls. Be careful with tis one guys, because the journey there is very slippery and the path is MATARIK. When we saw the falls, we were in awe. It was beautiful, and the water was blue and clear, and it was so inviting we did not waste time to soak ourselves on the blue liquid that nature has offered. It was good that there were locals offering life vests for tourists on a low price because the falls was eighteen (18) feet deep. 

The water was ice-cold, so you can get cramps. Nonetheless, it was very worth it and was very enjoyable. I, who did not know how to swim, got to cross the whole of the waterfalls backa and forth thanks to the vest, althought the locks kept unlocking themselves! So you better check all the locks before renting out a life jacket. 

All-in-all I rate this hidden jewel of nature a 8.5 out of 10, the trail was a bummer for me, and for next time a resort would be a good choice for the next vacation getaway. 

This is my friend who secretly took a photo of us after the swim at the falls. We’re at the rock formations that I have mentioned.

The photos here are taken by my friend, Christine Emerald Ricohermoso.

This is us trying to stay afloat LOL

Our next destination was the Undergorund Cemetery at Nagcarlan, Laguna which we didn’t get to exmplore upon arriving there. We went straight ahead to Majayjay. To get there, you can always use the Waze App. 

Now, I don’t know much about this place, but this is a historical landmark in Laguna because it was a secret meeting place for the Katipuneros (KKK), and that the burial sites were under a church fifteen deep below. It was also beautiful there, and the place was so clean and serene. You have to log in a very large book there before going down to the graves, and good news - no entrance fee! Totally free

The burial sites were cold, and were fascinating to look at. The ones buried there were as old as 90 years and bore the names of probably you great ancestors in the time of the spanish era. 

I recommend this for tourists both local and foreign, so they can get acquainted with the country’s rich history, and for those who have the passion to unravel the past and its stories.

This is me, taking advantage of the church’s walls for an instagram picture. As you can see, this is also my tumblr avatar.

Here is a poorly taken panorama of the cemetery. (I hope that you can view it properly, and still appreciate my photo-taking skills.)

For my next post, I hope to get many pictures of great quality!

Yours truly,

Eralyn

[abgailgibbs]

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Antidepressants For Premature Ejaculation

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[fashiontrendin-blog]

I Went on 3 Blind “Friend Dates” to Cure My Loneliness

http://fashion-trendin.com/i-went-on-3-blind-friend-dates-to-cure-my-loneliness/

I Went on 3 Blind “Friend Dates” to Cure My Loneliness

My favorite hobby is telling people about my friends. My best friends. One time, when I was describing an important woman in my life to a man, he asked, “Aren’t we a little old for ‘best’ friends?” I took this to mean he didn’t have any but pretended to laugh at myself anyway to avoid a confrontation. The truth was, I was living in San Francisco at the time, surrounded by women I adored, and I couldn’t imagine existing without a best friend within arm’s reach.

Then, in 2015, after eight years in the Golden State, I followed a dream and a hunch to New York, where I knew almost no one. I spent my first year in the city exploring the outer limits of what I called “alone time,” which made it sound more like something Oprah would recommend and less like the desperate loneliness that it was. Rock bottom was watching Fifty Shades Darker in a full theater with only two hot dogs to keep me company.

When I decided I needed more friends, I typed “how to make” into Google, and was comforted to find that, right below “slime” and right above “cake,” other people were wondering how to make friends, too.

Just like the men I’ve always imagined I would date, I realized I had an idealized version of what my new New York best friend would look like, too.

I’d seen the big yellow billboards advertising Bumble BFF — an app to make friends — and scoffed. It was one thing to search for potential dates via app, but couldn’t I just make friends the old-fashioned way? The problem was, I wasn’t. So one night, while sitting on my couch with zero plans on the horizon, I toggled my Bumble app to its “BFF” setting, telling myself it was just a joke. I quickly created a profile: “I love endorsing my friends on LinkedIn,” read my bio. Approachable, I thought to myself. Out of pure laziness, I used the same photos I had for the dating portion of the app. I began swiping, and I immediately fell for the first girl I saw. She stood in a white shirt and jeans, a field of sunflowers behind her, a teacher from Chicago. I wanted to go on a friend date with her so bad. But I swiped right and never saw her digital presence again. Into the Bumble BFF vortex I went.

Swiping for friends was eerily similar to looking for dates in that it was a complete emotional rollercoaster. I would get attached to girls who would never match with me, and watch as my overtures evaporated into thin air when they never responded. I was ghosted when I said a restaurant known for its $17 dollar cocktails was out of my budget, even though I included multiple “lols” to soften the statement.

Basically, during my first few months on Bumble BFF, I couldn’t get anyone to go out with me. I called my mom and she said, “It’s not you, it’s them,” and I thought, Is my mom breaking up with me too? I vented to friends across the country, over the phone, and they told me to be less picky. By then I was obsessed with getting at least one woman to agree to a coffee, so I began swiping right on more ladies I had less in common with. Just like the men I’ve always imagined I would date, I realized I had an idealized version of what my new New York best friend would look like, too. When I let go of that fantasy, and opened up to the idea that I might want a friend who was totally different from me, I began to get matched. And thus, I set out on three friend dates.

Date #1

Of course, I was running late — I’m always running late. Being on time has been a New Year’s resolution of mine for five straight years. RuPaul once said he stopped being late when he realized he was just addicted to the drama, but if I was getting coffee with RuPaul he could be as late as he wanted! Unfortunately I’m not RuPaul and I was not making a good first impression.

I texted her to let her know I was running five minutes behind, and then realized I was headed to the wrong coffee shop and have to text that I was actually running 20 behind. She said it’s fine, and that I would be able to identify her because she’d be clutching her yoga mat “like a baby,” and I thought to myself, I love babies, should that be my opening line? When I finally arrived and spotted Date #1 and her yoga mat, I ran to her table and immediately started shedding layers in an attempt to correct my body temperature (I’m a nervous sweater). “I’ll just grab a coffee,” I said, as casually as possible, “I’ll be right back!” At this point, I was panting. And of course, the line was massively long, but what choice did I have but to commit to it? As I waited, my date and I kept making eye contact over the barista’s head. I was smiling so furiously my teeth hurt. Finally, I got my iced coffee and headed over to our shared table.

Unfortunately, the music was so loud I could barely hear her and I kept saying “What?!” and then nervously laughing. I was surprised to find the encounter felt similar to romantic dates I’ve been on before. We were both sizing each other up, already feeling out our potential for a future by assessing how much we did and did not have in common.

I figured things were going well when she asked me to go to the Planetarium afterward. I actually really wanted to go but couldn’t, as I’d made plans to relax alone immediately following our date that I’d been simultaneously dreading and eagerly anticipating. I did mention I was writing an essay about the psychology of lying, though, and she offered to let me borrow a copy of National Geographic that covered the topic. I try not to let my face betray my excitement. Future plans mean friends, right?

Date #2

When I stumbled upon an advice column late last year wherein writer Casey Johnson advised being the type of person to stays for one drink instead of four, I decided that in 2018 I was going to drink less. I want to be the person who stops in for a quick drink and leaves right after in a trail of mystery. Any yet, while scheduling my second friend date, I was nervous enough to suggest a quiet wine bar with a good happy hour. The thought of another coffee made me anxious.

On the night of the date, I tried on approximately seven different outfits. A vinyl skirt and beret? Too much. Cropped black jeans and white sweater? Not enough. I settled on a black sweater and PVC pants that, later in the evening, proved almost impossible to pull back up over my thighs. Just right.

On the way there, I listened to Oprah’s Super Soul podcast where she told me that, “YOU are what YOU have been waiting for” and I immediately felt a surge of love for myself and for Oprah, which felt like a good way to start a date. I arrived at the wine bar we decided on and appreciated the fact that I was not sweating. Progress! I immediately recognized my date from her photos and introduced myself. We started chatting, and when I remembered it was happy hour, had to resist the urge to gulp down my red wine since she was so maturely sipping hers.

She told me that she doesn’t like girls who liked brunch and I lied and said that I hated brunch too, probably too emphatically to be believable. She told me she dated a chef and I say that I dated a chef once too, though “dated” was probably too generous of a word. She looked at me sadly even though it was supposed to be a joke. I laughed nervously, which is evidently my preferred mode of communication. She offered to stay for another, but I had work to do and politely declined. A few days later, I asked if she wants to go to a reading. She couldn’t, but maybe some other time! I’ll take it.

Date #3

I was nauseous for Date #3, but that could have been due to the copious amounts of coffee I’d just consumed on an empty stomach. We met at a coffee shop in Harlem, the neighborhood in which we both live. I decided to walk there despite my past sweating issues. (I’m a risk taker!) She was quiet, and I think she maybe didn’t like me or maybe I was projecting, something my dad says I do a lot. (I’m a projector!) Either way, from the get go, I could tell the date’s expiration date was fast approaching. I attempted to linger over our cups of coffee when I suddenly and urgently had to pee. When I realized the bathroom door said “Out of Order,” I suggested we make an expedition out of my small bladder situation and head over to the Shake Shack bathrooms across the street.

It was a lame attempt, I admit, not to mention an unappealing one, but by that point we both knew the date was over. We said our goodbyes and I scurried to the nearest bathroom alone (despite it saying “For Customers Only,” which I still feel guilty about). I thought maybe she’d text me after but she doesn’t, and I don’t text her either, and our friend date fades quickly into a distance memory.

To be honest, I’m not sure any of my friend dates worked out. I’m not even sure I’ll see them again, much less create long and lasting friendships like the ones I had in San Francisco, or even the more organic ones I’m managing to make here in New York City. But I don’t consider them a failure. More than anything, these dates made me feel less alone. Even when I didn’t have much in common with the person sitting across from me, sharing how isolating this city can be, how hard it is to make friends in your twenties, and how strange it is to meet people through your phone screen was an oddly comforting experience. I might even say it was worth the trouble/sweating.

Despite my lack of tangible success in the form of friendships made, I keep the app on my phone. For some reason I don’t want to delete it. Maybe because the simple act of trying turned out to be as good of armor against loneliness as anything else.

Collages by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.